Just a Random Bitchfest

I suppose I should write something witty, but I can't think of anything thanks to all this brain fog. I should be working on my church and state essay, but I'm a glutton for punishment so I am procrastinating. I am home because my neck and back hurt so bad I could barely function as... Continue Reading →

It’s Okay to Deserve

It seemed like fun, Like something to help me get into better shape, Like something that would help me feel more confident, Like something to help me be a better me.... Or at least like something to help me like me a little more. But then, Well, then.... Then I can't stop. Then I can't... Continue Reading →

Breakfast Thoughts

Feeling: done, rage, insecure, lost, alone, desperate, fucked, so fucked, apathetic Breakfast thoughts: Just do it so you can be alone. That's the whole point, isn't it? To be alone and die? Nobody knows Nobody cares You're fucking fat Stop yelling at me! Just fucking Eat! Complete. You fucking cow. I hate you so much.... Continue Reading →

Protection

Feeling:  withdrawn, pissed off, irritable, aggravated, disconnected Jules leaves today.  What am I going to do with myself?  Withdraw, obviously.  Spend my nights alone and in my head. Can't wait. Realizing how much I avoid, hide, deny (?) so I don't get hurt. Is that the reason I hate how my husband treats me? Because... Continue Reading →

Do NOT Drown

Take a step back, Look around, Don't allow yourself to drown. It occurs to me that I am shutting down.  A little more each day I go more and more numb.  I retreat within myself. It began with the self harm on my leg.  No one knows, no documentation. Continued with the caffeine. And sneaking... Continue Reading →

That 6 Week Mark

Just So DONE. 6 weeks in. Achieved blue level. My motivation to keep trying is maintaining earned privileges, but today those were basically taken from me. Van isn't full. No need to drive everyday, Which means no freedom in the evenings to go on my own outings. So WTF is the point of blue level??... Continue Reading →

Random Thoughts and Ongoings

Skipped DBT, ran by milieu. I'm just done for today. My primary pissed me off. I don't feel like she understands at all and when I try to explain I get responses that feel invalidating to everything I just said. Like, she keeps saying that I have a choice, but I do not feel that... Continue Reading →

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