I’m Fucked

Ate a lot yesterday No compensation Today the scale shows I gained 4lbs How am I supposed to eat today knowing this? Going with mother in law to garden city today which means lunch out. Fuck me. I can't I need to fast I went from needing to lose 2.5lbs to needing to lose 6.5lbs... Continue Reading →

Just a Random Bitchfest

I suppose I should write something witty, but I can't think of anything thanks to all this brain fog. I should be working on my church and state essay, but I'm a glutton for punishment so I am procrastinating. I am home because my neck and back hurt so bad I could barely function as... Continue Reading →

This is Where My Heart Got Me

S said I have sad eyes. A said I looked intimidating today. and that she looks up to me. Primary said I talk out of both sides of my mouth -- hence the need for combining family therapy with one primary session per week. R (psychiatrist) wasn't interest in staffing today. He was staring at... Continue Reading →

Breakfast Thoughts

Feeling: done, rage, insecure, lost, alone, desperate, fucked, so fucked, apathetic Breakfast thoughts: Just do it so you can be alone. That's the whole point, isn't it? To be alone and die? Nobody knows Nobody cares You're fucking fat Stop yelling at me! Just fucking Eat! Complete. You fucking cow. I hate you so much.... Continue Reading →

Do NOT Drown

Take a step back, Look around, Don't allow yourself to drown. It occurs to me that I am shutting down.  A little more each day I go more and more numb.  I retreat within myself. It began with the self harm on my leg.  No one knows, no documentation. Continued with the caffeine. And sneaking... Continue Reading →

Why did I Open My Mouth?

Disorderedly took pamprin (diuretics) Walked in circles in the reception area. Went up the stairs once. Shadow even looked fat today. Stomach sticks out. I feel so gross. Didn't complete breakfast (90%). --Thought it would be less. Hips and feet and ankles hurt. Like really bad. Took flexural & ibuprofen & pamprin, but it's not... Continue Reading →

I’m Not Important

Feel so Calm. So Snarky. Semi-happy. It's all DISORDERED. Lied about thoughts, behaviors, intention (kinda) at breakfast. Thoughts at a 5. No behaviors. Intent to complete. Feeling Calm. FUCK THEM. I won't glorify restriction. I'm sorry they thought that of my honesty. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M HONEST. THIS IS WHY I HIDE. Can't... Continue Reading →

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