I’m Fucked

Ate a lot yesterday No compensation Today the scale shows I gained 4lbs How am I supposed to eat today knowing this? Going with mother in law to garden city today which means lunch out. Fuck me. I can't I need to fast I went from needing to lose 2.5lbs to needing to lose 6.5lbs... Continue Reading →

This is Where My Heart Got Me

S said I have sad eyes. A said I looked intimidating today. and that she looks up to me. Primary said I talk out of both sides of my mouth -- hence the need for combining family therapy with one primary session per week. R (psychiatrist) wasn't interest in staffing today. He was staring at... Continue Reading →

Freedom and a Side of Coffee

Finally. I'm free. And it terrifies me. ...... "Your eating disorder will get loud." they said. "What are you going to do to not give in?" they asked. I'll be fine, I said. It's not going to get loud.  I have it ALL UNDER CONTROL. ....... I might have been wrong. They definitely weren't wrong.... Continue Reading →

It Was Never Me

I am done. Done eating. Done caring. Done trying. All I want is for that # on the scale to dive. To numb out. Pretend I'M FINE. Be a better liar. So no one asks, So no one knows. I can't do anything right; Nothing to please. No matter how hard I try, It always... Continue Reading →

You Win

********TRIGGER WARNING********   I am done. I give up. I have NO IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES I JUST ATE NOR WHY I CAN'T STOP EATING AND I FEEL COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL AND OVERWHELMED BY IT ALL. I just want to CRAWL out of my SKIN. FUCKING ED. I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE. I tried... Continue Reading →

Don’t TElL

*****TRIGGER WARNING***** Not that I wanted to begin the year like this, but hey, to my brain, it's just another day.  I have been struggling with some temptations.  Pretty massive temptations.  The consequences thereof, I am not sure I could handle.  I have NOT given in yet, but the guilt and condemnation that prey upon... Continue Reading →

Alonenessness

Do you ever just want to be alone? Just left completely to yourself? I am...well, I was going to say struggling, but I am not sure it is actually a struggle...maybe grappling is the word.  I am grappling with the irritation of not being left alone.  I think over the last year of my life... Continue Reading →

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑