Ate a lot yesterday No compensation Today the scale shows I gained 4lbs How am I supposed to eat today knowing this? Going with mother in law to garden city today which means lunch out. Fuck me. I can't I need to fast I went from needing to lose 2.5lbs to needing to lose 6.5lbs... Continue Reading →
Finally. I'm free. And it terrifies me. ...... "Your eating disorder will get loud." they said. "What are you going to do to not give in?" they asked. I'll be fine, I said. It's not going to get loud. I have it ALL UNDER CONTROL. ....... I might have been wrong. They definitely weren't wrong.... Continue Reading →
I am done. Done eating. Done caring. Done trying. All I want is for that # on the scale to dive. To numb out. Pretend I'M FINE. Be a better liar. So no one asks, So no one knows. I can't do anything right; Nothing to please. No matter how hard I try, It always... Continue Reading →
June 13, 2016: I wrote this 5 months ago. Right before I went on this hiatus I have been on for most of the year. And this, this is why.......... ******************************* Let's be honest. Right now I could give two shits less about anything. I am only writing to process all of this crap in... Continue Reading →
*****TRIGGER WARNING***** Not that I wanted to begin the year like this, but hey, to my brain, it's just another day. I have been struggling with some temptations. Pretty massive temptations. The consequences thereof, I am not sure I could handle. I have NOT given in yet, but the guilt and condemnation that prey upon... Continue Reading →
Do you ever just want to be alone? Just left completely to yourself? I am...well, I was going to say struggling, but I am not sure it is actually a struggle...maybe grappling is the word. I am grappling with the irritation of not being left alone. I think over the last year of my life... Continue Reading →
Tears are on the threshold.One word. That's all it takes.I F*$#ing hate today.I don't know why.I don't care.My eyes hurt from holding back the tears.What do I have to cry for?Everything is F*&#ing fine and dandy.Normal.