I’m Fucked

Ate a lot yesterday No compensation Today the scale shows I gained 4lbs How am I supposed to eat today knowing this? Going with mother in law to garden city today which means lunch out. Fuck me. I can't I need to fast I went from needing to lose 2.5lbs to needing to lose 6.5lbs... Continue Reading →

Freedom and a Side of Coffee

Finally. I'm free. And it terrifies me. ...... "Your eating disorder will get loud." they said. "What are you going to do to not give in?" they asked. I'll be fine, I said. It's not going to get loud.  I have it ALL UNDER CONTROL. ....... I might have been wrong. They definitely weren't wrong.... Continue Reading →

It Was Never Me

I am done. Done eating. Done caring. Done trying. All I want is for that # on the scale to dive. To numb out. Pretend I'M FINE. Be a better liar. So no one asks, So no one knows. I can't do anything right; Nothing to please. No matter how hard I try, It always... Continue Reading →

Just Eat.

June 13, 2016:  I wrote this 5 months ago.  Right before I went on this hiatus I have been on for most of the year.  And this, this is why.......... ******************************* Let's be honest.  Right now I could give two shits less about anything.  I am only writing to process all of this crap in... Continue Reading →

Don’t TElL

*****TRIGGER WARNING***** Not that I wanted to begin the year like this, but hey, to my brain, it's just another day.  I have been struggling with some temptations.  Pretty massive temptations.  The consequences thereof, I am not sure I could handle.  I have NOT given in yet, but the guilt and condemnation that prey upon... Continue Reading →

Alonenessness

Do you ever just want to be alone? Just left completely to yourself? I am...well, I was going to say struggling, but I am not sure it is actually a struggle...maybe grappling is the word.  I am grappling with the irritation of not being left alone.  I think over the last year of my life... Continue Reading →

Normal.

Tears are on the threshold.One word.  That's all it takes.I F*$#ing hate today.I don't know why.I don't care.My eyes hurt from holding back the tears.What do I have to cry for?Everything is F*&#ing fine and dandy.Normal. 

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