This is Where My Heart Got Me

S said I have sad eyes. A said I looked intimidating today. and that she looks up to me. Primary said I talk out of both sides of my mouth -- hence the need for combining family therapy with one primary session per week. R (psychiatrist) wasn't interest in staffing today. He was staring at... Continue Reading →

Breakfast Thoughts

Feeling: done, rage, insecure, lost, alone, desperate, fucked, so fucked, apathetic Breakfast thoughts: Just do it so you can be alone. That's the whole point, isn't it? To be alone and die? Nobody knows Nobody cares You're fucking fat Stop yelling at me! Just fucking Eat! Complete. You fucking cow. I hate you so much.... Continue Reading →

I’m Not Important

Feel so Calm. So Snarky. Semi-happy. It's all DISORDERED. Lied about thoughts, behaviors, intention (kinda) at breakfast. Thoughts at a 5. No behaviors. Intent to complete. Feeling Calm. FUCK THEM. I won't glorify restriction. I'm sorry they thought that of my honesty. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M HONEST. THIS IS WHY I HIDE. Can't... Continue Reading →

Voicing My Needs

Challenge lunch.  Hamburgers. Brain flip-flopped between restriction because it's a fear food and completion so I can leave. First Staffing. It went okay. I voiced my needs. OMGoodness, what?! I VOICED MY NEEDS! and then ran out of the room. Been struggling with dissociation All freaking day. Good session with P. Just keep being honest... Continue Reading →

Freedom and a Side of Coffee

Finally. I'm free. And it terrifies me. ...... "Your eating disorder will get loud." they said. "What are you going to do to not give in?" they asked. I'll be fine, I said. It's not going to get loud.  I have it ALL UNDER CONTROL. ....... I might have been wrong. They definitely weren't wrong.... Continue Reading →

Still Crazy.

******TRIGGER WARNING****** Thought I was getting better. Thought I was over the hump. Thought I was learning to live healthy. I was wrong. Mania is setting in again. I swear I fucking hate this day. So the happy go-lucky false mask falls away from my foul face and reveals the truth. The scars.  The ugly.... Continue Reading →

Normal.

Tears are on the threshold.One word.  That's all it takes.I F*$#ing hate today.I don't know why.I don't care.My eyes hurt from holding back the tears.What do I have to cry for?Everything is F*&#ing fine and dandy.Normal. 

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