10/10 Don’t Recommend

Weighed myself last night and internally teared up. I had already decided to fast most of Saturday because I wasn't happy where I was, but I couldn't get out of eating at the wedding reception...believe me, I tried. So today I ate some breakfast and decided that was that. I'll just be miserable and fat,... Continue Reading →

Breakfast Thoughts

Feeling: done, rage, insecure, lost, alone, desperate, fucked, so fucked, apathetic Breakfast thoughts: Just do it so you can be alone. That's the whole point, isn't it? To be alone and die? Nobody knows Nobody cares You're fucking fat Stop yelling at me! Just fucking Eat! Complete. You fucking cow. I hate you so much.... Continue Reading →

Self Harm Inventory

Thoughts Surrounding Self Harm... I just want to die. I fucking hate myself. Just leave me alone. Let me be. I'm done. Nothing / no one is going to help. This (whatever you want me to do) isn't going to help. Be miserable. Just do it.  You'll feel better. Make yourself miserable. You know you... Continue Reading →

I’m Not Important

Feel so Calm. So Snarky. Semi-happy. It's all DISORDERED. Lied about thoughts, behaviors, intention (kinda) at breakfast. Thoughts at a 5. No behaviors. Intent to complete. Feeling Calm. FUCK THEM. I won't glorify restriction. I'm sorry they thought that of my honesty. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M HONEST. THIS IS WHY I HIDE. Can't... Continue Reading →

All the Silly Shit

Sitting here at the table, (well, more like my sorry ass is planted here because I am too weak to get up and move at the moment....) Anyway, like I said, sitting here at the table, listening to my kitchen attempting to be cleaned.  IE.  My girls are trying to clean it and it is... Continue Reading →

Back at the Beginning Again

I heard a saying today that really resonated with me.  A lady in a documentary I was watching gave an excellent example of the  price a person pays in the battle with anorexia.  I paraphrase,  "You don't know it, but the entire time you're giving it to it, you're paying a price.  Not right then... Continue Reading →

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