This Facade

**TWIGGER WARNING: SELF LOATHING, SELF HARM, SI THOUGHTS.  DON’T READ IF YOU’RE SENSITIVE**

 

 

 

 

 

Shitty mood all day.
Made worse by shit thoughts expressed by someone who is suppose to love me
I wish I were 17 so I could say, “FUCK OFF THEN stop threatening” without all the baggage.
Back when I knew who I was outside of this facade I call life.
Back when I could get over him,
Move on with a little decency.
When so many things weren’t at stake
–the lives of others.

Sometimes I wish I was just dead so they could all move on with their lives.
What do I matter anyway??
I’m just a ride, a nuisance, a bill — one after another after another after another — Spent money that could have been pocketed for a better cause.
Because my eating is NOT that cause
I shouldn’t eat out every day
Get donuts every day
Smoke every day

I am worthless
Utterly totally worthless

I Should SMILE
PRETEND I’m HAPPY
Be the perfect homemaker
The perfect wife

Enjoy my disgusting loathsome body
Carnal piece of shit

I want to cut open a vein
Watch it trickle
Or SPURT
Or GUSH

I should have died when Nana died
Or perhaps when my parents fought and mom split leaving me with dad.
Why couldn’t I have perished then from some illness?

I didn’t want children because I didn’t want to live.
The K/T line should have ended with me.
But now I have three children to teach to NOT BE LIKE ME OR MY FAMILY

To watch for God
Follow HIM
He’s the only good in existence

But I don’t because I don’t follow close enough.

I get stuck in the inky blackness of my mind
Where thoughts stick to one another in a jumbled mess
Like a windblown spider web
Letters and words stuck here and there
Barely clear enough to make out a partial sentence:

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
WORTHLESS.
IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.
ALWAYS
ALWAYS
ALWAYS.

NO ONE CARES.

WHY ARE YOU ALIVE?
GET OVER YOURSELF WHORE
GOOD FOR NOTHING
PRUDE

YOU ARE FINE.
STOP WHINING DUMB CUNT.
JUST GO TO BED YOU DUMB BITCH
STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU MATTER

YOU NEVER HAVE

YOU NEVER WILL

I hate myself, not just dislike, but LOATH ENTIRELY.

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