First and Last

I’m in such a shit mood.
NOTHING from insurance or ERC yet.

Have a UTI.
Called Doc because of persistent fever and back pain
CT Scan this AM
Cuz they thought it might be a kidney stone.

All labs, scan, and kidney function are fine.
So repeat UA in 2 weeks.

In the meantime I’ll just be fine.

Took MM
Tempted to take Diuretics and Diet Pills
Had one Monster
Then decided fuck it and got a big one.

I hope I…. Well I’m not going to write that because it isn’t nice.

**********

I’m not going to treatment
I don’t deserve to get help.

J works hard
He deserves all his hiking things and to go backpacking whenever he wants

I’m a piece of shit who deserves nothing.
Just like always.
I am an ungrateful bitch
a fucking idiotic loser who should have never been born.
I fucking hate myself.
Why am I alive?

WHAT am I going to fix for dinner?

I have to clean the kitchen and fix dinner
I should clean off the table
It’s a disaster.

Probably just pissed of J because he is texting me about bills and I asked if he’s supposed to be working, not worrying about finances.
I hope he leaves me alone the rest of the day.
I hope he takes his trip sooner than later so we both can have some  fucking peace and quiet.

Called the case manager.
Told her I can’t go to treatment;
To let me know what, if, when she finds out anything
And we will see then
BUT J MUST COME FIRST.

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