The Cage

Assessment with ERC over the phone yesterday.
Hour and a half that one took.
Waiting for a return call today to see what kind of treatment they suggest, when/if I go, etc.

Semi-ready for this to happen.
But then my brain goes crazy.
What if this
What if that
How will you live
How will you cope
What will you do when the hard things come up
What will you say
Will you say anything
Will you be open to processing
What if you can’t do it
What if this isn’t right

You should just stay home and get a puppy.
Those always make everything better.

Maybe I’ll quit smoking
Maybe I’ll get over my monster addiction
Maybe liquid calories will be okay again
Maybe I’ll forgive the hurt and anger contained within
Maybe I’ll eat and stop punishing myself for being an utter failure

Because I’m probably not actually a failure.
Probably not even a little bit.

Maybe I’ll learn to stand up for myself
Maybe I’ll learn to trust myself
Maybe I’ll learn to trust others.

Maybe I’ll become happy again.
Be able to read my bible again
Have devotions again
Pray again

There seems to be a whole world of possibilities on the other side of this cage I’m in and I want to experience them, but I’ll be honest…….

I know the inside of this cage.
It is comfort to me.
It protects me.
Keeps the unknown out.
Its bars blur my vision just enough that I feel safe from whatever lies outside of it.
The confinement is a safe space that I can measure every inch of,
That I can feel when I am afraid.
The floor is solid,
Which sometimes hurts me, but more often reminds me that nothing is getting in from below.
It keeps people from seeing the real me,
The vulnerable me,
The hurt me,
It helps me look put together at all times
It helps me look normal
Like I don’t need help
There is nothing wrong with me
I’m fine.

Just don’t make me come out of my cage..

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