The Cure

Super anxious today.
K’s party was supposed to be at the Pizza Hut.
Thank goodness it got canceled.
Poor Girl is ill.
Have to stay up and pick up the hubs at 10pm.
Taxes tomorrow at 9am.

Heart fluttered again today.
Felt vaguely like passing out.
Didn’t, thankfully.
Could have called the Dr.
But I’ll just talk to P next week or whenever he is back.

**********

Why can’t I be skinny AND healthy
Why can’t I only eat a little bit AND be healthy
I don’t get why I have to eat food AND am supposed to like it.
I made myself eat chicken strips for supper
though I wanted to eat oatmeal instead.
I also wanted to take MM today, but didn’t.
Can’t tomorrow.
J is home.
Maybe Friday
IF I remember.

**********

My heart rate is low.
58-59bpm according to my apple watch.
It keeps jumping around
67, 62, 60, 59, 60

AM I fucking that much with my heart?

It isn’t as though I don’t eat.
I eat every day.

I want to call my doctor because I am a little concerned
But I don’t want the Lecture about protein, food, and water
AND NO CAFFEINE
again.

If it was that easy I’d be recovered.
Eating disorders might not exist any longer.

I think I may have just discovered the cure.
It’s contained in the secret word, “JUST”

“JUST” eat
“JUST” drink water
“JUST” give up caffeine

See, makes it sound simple and less like a demand…
More like something attainable…
That EVERYONE DOES.

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