Hello Again

It’s been a while.
I know.
I’ve been busy.
In my head at least.

Imma TRIGGER WARNING this post right now
as I am sharing from my journal.

Hell, Hence forth,

ALL POSTS ARE TRIGGER WARNING!! UNTIL OTHERWISE NOTED.

FEB23.
So I haven’t felt the greatest.
Almost passed out this morning from getting up too fast.
Went back to bed and took my blood pressure when I got up:
87/62 pulse 87

It has remained low all day.
It has risen, but only into the 90’s systolic.

I shoveled snow twice despite my low BP.
M told me not to and to drink a glass of water
So I drank tea with two chocolate chip cookies.
I’m so fucked in the head.

I need to find an internal motivation to get past this shit.

2lbs and I’ll be pre-treatment weight from last May.
I’ve lost 15lbs total since my discharge in August.
And that isn’t counting what I initially lost and gained back thanks to symbyax.
UGH.

I searched anorexia on pinterest and it just took me to the NEDA site where a diagnostic tool said I might be at risk for an ED and I need to get help..
FUCK YOU.

The golden sunlight on the snow-laden trees is so beautiful.

No results for treatment accepting Medicaid.
Why do I even have it?
Not like I could go anyway.
It would literally take an act of GOD

And I’m not sure I want to recover
Or gain weight
Or not be skinny
Or eat the amount of food they want me to
Or drink the amount of water they want me to

Probably need to have more fluids
Drink more, Some, ANY water
Today
Tomorrow
The next day
Will see how I feel in the morning.

**********

Can’t decide about going to the doctor.
Normally I’d ask Dr. P about it, but he’s out of the office

Sitting at 960 right now

Don’t know an accurate burn # as I didn’t put my watch on til over halfway through the day.|

Found a bunch of movies to watch on PrimeVideo.
That’ll be nice for dishes, laundry, and general cleaning.

**********

I am utterly anxious
And would love to go to bed
But girls are up, dogs are up, husband is up
Probably should eat more
But I like the #960.

Also,
How stupid is that??
To like a # more than listening to my body’s needs?

Like HELLO
YOU’RE STUPID

JUST FUCKING EAT
NOT A HALO EITHER.
I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING: 960+35=995
STILL LESS THAN 1000

BUT is it, REALLY??

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