I suppose I should write something witty, but I can’t think of anything thanks to all this brain fog. I should be working on my church and state essay, but I’m a glutton for punishment so I am procrastinating. I am home because my neck and back hurt so bad I could barely function as a human this morning, even after Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Flexeril, and anti-nausea meds. I also woke up with insane heartburn that I cannot figure out.
I mean, if I had taken oral stimulant lax pills I would understand, but I didn’t. I haven’t since the day(?) before I admitted to treatment so I don’t get it. If I didn’t know better I would have thought I was having a heart attack (of course I googled it; Google is a self-diagnostic tool for EVERYONE, don’t ya know). To be honest, I’m a little scared to go to bed tonight because I don’t want to wake up with that pain again.
Therapy was okay on Wednesday. My therapist told me I am really good at staying on the surface with issues… she also told me I’m really good at not talking about things while I’m talking about things. I am. I admit it. I’m really good at generalizing (thanks EDCare for teaching me that trick so I won’t trigger anyone). I think that is about to come to an end though, at least at therapy. I think she is going to start pushing me to talk about things….hard things…things I’ve buried for a reason….and while I know it will be good, i.e. beneficial, I am also not looking forward to experiencing emotions.
Fuck emotions, man. They just hurt. Physically. Every time I have them. Even the good ones hurt. I don’t have time for that shit. I’m sure we’ll talk about my mom and my dad and my grandparents and my siblings and how I am all alone in this world despite being surrounded by people and how that isn’t true, I’m not alone, I just isolate. Yep. Sounds like a ripe ole fun time to me 😒😒.
On the ED front, I’m doing fan-fucking-tastic. My calorie intake is twice its usual amount (which means it is what a “normal” person would consume, give or take a little), I am not uber busy, so not burning a whole bunch, and I’ve gained at least 3lb (thank you PMS) that I am avidly looking to take back off as soon as my hormones level out. Today, my body dysmorphia is so fucked up that my face looked twice its size when I was sending my friend a video. I only freaked out internally for about 45 seconds before I shut that shit down and came to do something more productive.
I guess I’ll go work on homework and think of some way to spend my evening not looking down so my neck and back will relax a bit. I just needed a random bitch session…..Oh, wait.
Speaking of bitch session….I just want to note that five of my friends are currently receiving some sort of intensive treatment for their eds and it is almost infuriating to me. I’m not jealous persay, I just wish I had the luxury of popping out of treatment only to return within a few months. I think it pisses me off because, after my first go around in EDCD when I was prematurely discharged, I had the “You need to do whatever you can to get back into treatment ASAP” thrown in my face every fucking appointment, but it just wasn’t possible for me and it didn’t happen. So I am glad for their ability to get the help they need and my ed thinks it’s utter and total bullshit and that I, somehow, got jipped in 2016 which landed me where I am today…which is totally ironic because he is where I landed today and returning to treatment in 2016 probably would have aided my recovery tenfold.
Eh, such is life.