Apathetic Oxygen

While I realize that most of my posts of late are basically my treatment experience I wanted to say that I am glad to be able to share them.  Depressing, anxiety provoking, angst though they may be, these thoughts and experiences are real.  These are the things I experienced while at EDCare, a place that was meant to help me and guide me into healing.

Unfortunately, that was not my experience for most of the time I was there.  I met great people, made amazing friends, and felt invalidated put near the entire time.  It made things all the harder for me.

I have learned though, that I am a motherfucking rockstar when it comes to pushing through when tough times come.  (I am not sure it is the right way to push through, but I know how to get through it all the same.)

And that’s where I am right now: pushing through the hard times like the rockstar that I am.

ED is screaming most days and my intense fear of abandonment is driving most of my actions and decisions these days.

I delete and delete and delete things, people, out of my life because I no longer care to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a relationship.

I ignore messages, texts, emails, and sometimes even phone calls because I am tired of putting on the “I’m totally fine, recovery is going well, I’ve learned to like myself” face/voice (MASK) for those who ask, but wouldn’t understand or would try to convince me of things that I no longer care about, such as my current mindset and thought process.

I am a smart person.  I know what is logical and what isn’t.  The problem doesn’t lie in needing to educate me about the depravity of my mindset/thoughts, it lies in the fact that I JUST DON’T CARE.

At this point even if Apathy were oxygen, I don’t think it could permeate me anymore than it already does.

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