While I realize that most of my posts of late are basically my treatment experience I wanted to say that I am glad to be able to share them. Depressing, anxiety provoking, angst though they may be, these thoughts and experiences are real. These are the things I experienced while at EDCare, a place that was meant to help me and guide me into healing.
Unfortunately, that was not my experience for most of the time I was there. I met great people, made amazing friends, and felt invalidated put near the entire time. It made things all the harder for me.
I have learned though, that I am a motherfucking rockstar when it comes to pushing through when tough times come. (I am not sure it is the right way to push through, but I know how to get through it all the same.)
And that’s where I am right now: pushing through the hard times like the rockstar that I am.
ED is screaming most days and my intense fear of abandonment is driving most of my actions and decisions these days.
I delete and delete and delete things, people, out of my life because I no longer care to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a relationship.
I ignore messages, texts, emails, and sometimes even phone calls because I am tired of putting on the “I’m totally fine, recovery is going well, I’ve learned to like myself” face/voice (MASK) for those who ask, but wouldn’t understand or would try to convince me of things that I no longer care about, such as my current mindset and thought process.
I am a smart person. I know what is logical and what isn’t. The problem doesn’t lie in needing to educate me about the depravity of my mindset/thoughts, it lies in the fact that I JUST DON’T CARE.
At this point even if Apathy were oxygen, I don’t think it could permeate me anymore than it already does.