Random Thoughts and Ongoings

Skipped DBT, ran by milieu.
I’m just done for today.

My primary pissed me off.
I don’t feel like she understands at all and when I try to explain I get responses that feel invalidating to everything I just said.
Like, she keeps saying that I have a choice, but I do not feel that way.
Maybe I have a choice, but it’s not one I’m willing to make because of the possible consequences that I want to avoid as I know they will hurt me more than the choice will benefit me.
Just like I don’t have a choice but to see her while I’m here.
If it was acceptable to walk out of these sessions I would.
But if I want to stay, for the greater good — so I can continue /  begin(?) living as God intended — they I have to go to them.
Be complacent, compliant, submissive to the process.

But seriously, FUCK her.
My friend loved her, but I do not.

Respect my fucking values, morals.
Understand that a great many of my decisions are faith/moral/value-based and that I don’t care about the cost to myself.

One of the therapists got really good at gum spotting.
She straight up shut my shit down before lunch when we were outside smoking.
And all I could think about was a cobalt blue purse full of freaking gum wrappers in my friend’s locker during my first go around.

My ears are ringing and my head is loud.
Full of white-noise and thoughts and songs and lyrics.

The radio played “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit at breakfast and I sang pretty well the whole time it was on.
It was nice to be connected to something when all I feel is disconnect and numbness.

Thoughts have been running at a 9 or 10 pretty well the whole time, all day, er-day, but it’s easier to ignore them when I’m not triggered.
Fuck when I’m triggered though.
Then the thoughts jump and urges start and I really want to die.

My primary makes me want to die at least once a week.

Got into trouble for taking 3 fats again (even though I have an order)…
Well, not technically in trouble, but milieu gave me a doubting look.  When I asked for my addition, however, I got it right away.
I don’t understand why  she is rigid that she literally takes calories away from an anorexic who ASKED for them, just to make sure it fits in the meal plan guidelines.
I’m too fluid for that shit.
She’s a cup holding water (and I’m the water), giving the water a rigid shape that doesn’t last because once the water is out of that cup it is completely fluid again.

 

Day 20 of treatment.

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