I’m Not Important

Feel so Calm.
So Snarky.
Semi-happy.

It’s all DISORDERED.

Lied about thoughts, behaviors, intention (kinda) at breakfast.
Thoughts at a 5.
No behaviors.
Intent to complete.
Feeling Calm.

FUCK THEM.

I won’t glorify restriction.
I’m sorry they thought that of my honesty.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I’M HONEST.

THIS IS WHY I HIDE.

Can’t hide in the dark,
I’ll hide in plain sight.

Behind my “Facade”
as my primary therapist put it.

Maybe this is why I’ll never recover.
Maybe it’s because I’ll never trust anyone with who I am.
How can I when no one believes me?

No one listens… or rather, HEARS me.
They say they do, but they don’t.

Maybe I don’t need to be here.
Maybe I should just go home.
Try to recover on my own.

Get back to being who I’m “Suppose” to be,
to who everyone needs me to be.

I never mattered.
Maybe to God,
but never to anyone else.

My husband hates me.
Let him leave….
He’ll be better off without me.
I just want to die.
To not exist.
I’m not important.

Day 9 of treatment.

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