‼‼<<<ENTER A BIG FAT TRIGGER WARNING RIGHT HERE>>>‼‼
Okay, now that that is out of the way.
This post is probably going to be all kinds of uber disordered, but these are my thoughts / my life and I need to get it out there.
So I have really… and by really I mean REAAAALLLLLYYYYYY been struggling the last month or so. I know it stems from my last visit to Denver, but I am not going to share the details of that visit out of respect to the people involved. Let’s just say that my psych visit didn’t go so well.
Up until the last week-ish or so my thoughts were the only things that were really running rampant, my behaviors remained pretty much the same as they always were, not good, definitely, but not so bad as to merit a marked a deviation from the norm.
I don’t really know what changed this past week. Maybe it was something someone said to me that ED mistook or a behavior towards me that my brain misinterpreted, but whatever it was, it jumped my brain into overdrive.
ED has determined that my previous allotted calorie count (give or take a little, I wasn’t very strict with it even though he’d yell at me when I “failed”) is not up to par anymore. In fact, because I know the approximate calorie count of a coworker I now have to make damn sure I do not surpass that. Actually, I wasn’t “suppose” to before, but now, well, I might as well be dead if I come within 200kcal of that number…
So he made up a new one for me, as a matter of fact, two new ones… And to make sure I keep within the range he determined is acceptable he made me write down several options for limits on each meal of the day.
(New Food Rule….✓✓) … I am supposed to keep to the lower count in as much as is possible, but if I THINK I’m starving then I can use the higher one.
Sounds difficult, right? As it happens, it hasn’t been…and I’m kind of happy about it (disordered alllll the way, I know). Apps that allow you to make your own recipes and give you the calorie content in a serving has been very helpful (although, there have been a few instances where ED tells me it’s lying – (❛~❜) – I just can’t win with him…).
As for weight, I’ve plateaued somewhat and I know that (authentically) it is a good thing, but ED plagues me about it constantly.
I cooked five days last week. I even ate some of it (when no one was looking). I made Split Pea Soup, Meatballs, Meatloaf, Ham and Beans (and baked beans out of that), burritos, and a custard pie and a cranberry pie from scratch. Honestly, I ate the entire cranberry pie myself… it’s really good with Cool Whip on it in the morning with hot tea.