Its true. I’ve spent most of the day reevaluating my life choices, namely the people I allow in my life, the way I allow them to make me feel, the way I want to feel, and the giant ass chasm between the two feels.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a stronger word than fuck to describe it, to wade through it, to deal with it.
People come and go, flitter in and out of our lives while making AND leaving a lasting impact on our psyches. It is how we deal with that impact that determines our actions, reactions, and future interactions.
I am grateful for those who have come and gone, for the things they have taught me, and mostly for the lesson of learning to let go AND be okay.
But fuck dude, it’s a hard lesson. It’s one my brain revolts against, but I need it. I need to learn to be okay alone, to self-sustain, to not depend on others so much for the well-being of my mental state.
I have always depended too much on what others thought. I needed the opinions and thoughts of those I considered my closest friends in order to understand myself.
But what if I didn’t. What if I could value myself FIRST…. my thoughts on the subject, my desires, my needs, my well-being…. and just leave the importance of others where it should be… in line BEHIND ME.
I’m not saying this gives me right to devalue others or be rude or inconsiderate or less than human.
I’m saying this give me the right to value myself before others, to realize that when a friendship ends it wasn’t my fault, I don’t have to feel guilt about moving on with life. It gives me the right to be okay even if another soul disagrees with me, it doesn’t automatically mean I’m wrong and should feel the immense guilt I usually feel.
Humanity. It grows – changes – all the time. I have that ability, too, and not just to grow or change into something someone else wants me to be, but INTO THE PERSON I AM MEANT TO BE….. regardless of how others feel about it, regardless of how I allow others to make me feel about it.
God has me. HIS CHANGE is the only change I need look for, try to attain. I am already who He made me to be, we’re just tweaking the final product a bit here and there now.
It’s okay to let go, Kelsi. It’s okay to grasp the reality of your life here and now. Love the experiences, grow through them, and move on. The past is not going to help you. The past cannot help you! You two are in two separate worlds now. Sure, you’ve got some stuff in common and that will never go away, but that is NOT who you are today.
Embrace you today.
Embrace your future today. Even though you don’t know what it is yet.
God’s got this.
God’s got you.
And he isn’t letting go,
So neither should you.