Rummaging around my old writings the other day I came across a journal entry that I wrote a little over two years ago, pre-treatment, when I didn’t believe there was a problem. It encourages me and I think now is an appropriate time to share it.
I may not be a very good “practicing” Christian at this moment, but I do believe God has this all in His hands and that it will work out wherever (i.e. whichever treatment center) I’m suppose to go. I believe wholeheartedly that He is in control and He has brought this out now because it is time to deal with it.
He is telling me “One step at a time” and the things I have been doing since this was brought up a month ago IS one thing at a time. I know it is meant to slow me down, to help me keep my eyes on Him and His purposes for my life.
So many times in the past weeks I have been overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of the things this (my ED) affects and that need to change. I am reminded of the time Peter walked on water (Matthew 14:22-23).
He had such faith and courage to step out of the boat and walk to Jesus, until he looked around him – at the vastness of the sea, at the turmoil going on around him. Then he forgot his courage, forgot his faith, and forgot his LORD was right there in front of him. He let his mind slip from what was important and the immediate help available to him and focused on the impossibilities of the situation – the doubts – and let the fears slip in.
These are my thoughts on his at that moment. The Bible says, “Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!'” (Matthew 14:29-30).
In Peter’s despair he remembered Jesus. To me, that is inspiring. Surely his doubts were enormous. And yet, he remembered Jesus could help him.
I never want to go back to the time when I not only felt completely alone, but did not know Jesus, did not have the knowledge and faith I have today. It surely…. well, I was going to doubt, but I’m not.
I’m not perfect. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way. And THANK GOD I am NOT where I used to be!
I will not focus on my shortcomings. I will focus on my faith and my love for my Lord. The devil wants me to remember that I am not good enough. He wants me remember all of the things I have yet to do. But my mind is so full already. I don’t need anymore to focus on so I will take it one step at a time as God has asked – keeping my eyes on Jesus.