Every Sunday (well, every Sunday that I go), on the way home from church, I have the same thoughts.
I am so happy at church. I enjoy listening to the sermons and to talking with my friends and other church-goers after. I feel free, welcome, genuinely myself.
And then I leave.
Now that I live in town church is 20 miles one way for me and that gives me ample time to think.
I think about going back to my so-called “real” life, to the daily trudge, to the turmoil I feel in dealing with all of my mental illnesses, and it brings my happiness in check.
I think, “Why can’t I have this feeling at home? Why can’t I keep this feeling all week long? What am I doing wrong?”
I also think, “Why can’t I push away the disordered thoughts at home like I can during church? Am I simply not trying hard enough? Is my faith not big enough? What am I missing?”
Yes, I have ED thoughts, SI thoughts, and other distorted thoughts while I am sitting there on the pew, but I push them away. I roll my eyes and tell them where to appropriately place themselves in my mind, i.e. at the back of it, or better yet, out of it.
But when I leave, that ability seems to stay behind. That warm, fuzzy feeling that desires to serve God above all else NO matter the cost, slowly fades as I drive back to “reality”.
I hate this.
It is hard enough for me to convince myself to get around and go to church…
And then when I get there I never want to leave.
I want to soak in that feeling for the rest of my days and I know when I walk out that door, get into my car, and drive back to town, the feeling will leave, slowly fade away.
It’s like I forget the reasons I do the things I do.
I go to church and attend gatherings because that is where the Lord placed me. It was He that gave me the desire to seek His face there, not one of my own fanatical whims.
I am in college because I felt lead by Him to do it and yet, more often than not, I simply trudge through the assignments, the readings, the participation because I ~have~ to.
No, I don’t.
I chose this. I chose this because I choose to follow God and HIS plan for me, rather than my own. All the “reality” is nothing more than a bump in the road, a construction zone on the highway.
I’ve zoned out on His guiding hand and zoned in on waiting in line for the pilot car when I’m already late, on how much that bump startled me and caused me pain.
I am writing this because it’s a realization I’ve only come to tonight, on that 20 mile stretch to “reality” even though I’ve been feeling it for ages…
And I think it’s time for a change.