Lunch is interesting these days with my break falling around the same time as my good friend’s. Interesting because she has just started to earnestly try to lose weight so our conversations are mostly made up of food talk, calorie counts, how to eat less, and other such frivolities as is connected with diet culture.
Of course ED loves it and eagerly joins in with his helpful hints and other nutritional information stored in my brain. Admittedly it’s a bit triggering. She’s suppose to eat xx calories to lose xx weight and it’s a quarter of what my nutritional needs are. I can’t possibly tell her that we need to change the subject, partly because I (ED) enjoyed it and partly because I’m a people pleaser.
Today I had tilapia, Mac and Cheese, and a payday. I noticed the more we conversed the less I ate. But it was when I offered her a bite of my payday and she declined that I went over the edge into the world of triggerdum. Anxiety came on strong as did the urge to purge in whatever way possible.
Now before ya get all huffy, I didn’t purge. I fought and fought. Clasped my hands together to avoid fingers near my mouth, took anxiety meds, contemplated buying lax but didn’t, looked for some sort of appetite suppressant but luckily we don’t sell any at the store, and tried to breathe deep. Turned on my soundbox and went to work trying to distract myself from the looming feelings.
I think I’m over paydays for a while.
I told my friend “welcome to the world of Anorexia” and when she asked why I said because all those things we’ve been discussing are things I do/have done in disordered ways to lose weight. I know she’s doing it for health reasons, to get to a healthier place, but my ED has made it a competition now. One in which I win in most areas, except “self control” which he reminds me daily that I have zero of.
Oh, and of course I cannot possibly eat supper since I had a payday and she did not. (Note: I did eat supper…. a wrap AND a 6 inch sub sandwich from subway… because why not?! I already screwed up the day with that stupid candy bar… oh, hey ED…😒😒😒)
If you happen to read this please know that it has absolutely nothing to do with you or what you are trying to accomplish, my ED is a dick and takes every opportunity to issue control over me from every angle and he doesn’t care where he gets his motivation from.
Now I’m in bed, still feeling full from supper. I mean, I know it’s good for me… my body needs the nourishment, but shit, why do I have to feel like this after? So ends the day of the candy bar saga. Who knew a freaking Payday could cause me so much stress. I can’t wait to look back on this and laugh about it someday… 😶😒