All the Silly Shit

Sitting here at the table, (well, more like my sorry ass is planted here because I am too weak to get up and move at the moment….)

Anyway, like I said, sitting here at the table, listening to my kitchen attempting to be cleaned.  IE.  My girls are trying to clean it and it is happening, but not without the crabs and whines that go along with sibling siblingness…

Speaking of, if its all crab and wine, why am I not eating?  Those both sound delish.  Oh, I know.  Because ED pre-deemed it an unworthy meal (even if we really had all of that in our house…  wait…wait… I do HAVE WINE!), but also because I’m too exhausted to force myself to get up and do more than just be an onlooker.

Worked half heartedly today.  I just wasn’t into it.  I just didn’t have the energy to give a shit.  I think I am still catching up from last week.

Easter went well.  My house looked lovely, everyone got along, the food was good….and then the “family pictures” idea was imposed upon me.  I tried to get out of it, I really did, but my brother picked me up and my sister held on to me so I couldn’t twist out of it and that was the way the picture went.  I was hogtied into it.

Then my sister took a picture of me in my usual spot (well usual when no one is home): by the heater with a desert and cup of hot tea, and sent it to me.

(Cue the ED:) There is NO WAY I LOOK LIKE THAT.  NO WAY!!

 

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Why does an ED do that to a person?  How does he distort my perception so much that I do not see the frailty of my own person though I look everyday?  This picture simultaeously scares me and gratifies me.  Do I believe that picture is lying to me?  No.  Do I believe that picture is a lie?  Yes.  The two sides of the anorexic brain in perfect contrast right there.

ED wants me to go into how this gratifies me (him), but I know that it could be potentially triggering to those who might find their way here so I am withholding for the moment.  Let’s just say, I think I look like a fairie.  A really gross, malnourished, scrawny, wingless fairie.

And on that note, I am going to do some homework or bullet journaling and get ready for bed.  My anxiety meds are kicking in and I can feel my insides calm down enough to maaayyybbbeee be productive.

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