Well. That was a loooonnngggg hiatus from the world of blogging, wasn’t it?
I realized today that I am in desperate need of an outlet and then I remembered…. I used to blog, didn’t I? It was an outlet: a place to pour all of my thoughts, good or bad, and know that there is no judgement, no repercussions, no one to disillusion me.
I desperately need that.
This week was tough. My husband wasn’t happy with my actions last weekend even though I did nothing wrong save be half an hour later home from a coworker dinner I attended than I said I would. Then I went to Denver on Monday to see my psychiatrist and dietician and my psychiatrist told me straight out that he was concerned for my safety.
Of course I cannot tell my husband that, he would go ballistic. I cannot tell my family that for they would do the same. My best friend has been MIA for most of the year (for valid reasons) so I couldn’t share there either. I did email my new therapist about it, but I can’t see her sooner than my next scheduled appointment so I felt that was pointless.
So I kept it inside. I numbed out. I isolated…. a lot. I deleted social media apps, turned off notifications, and smiled. I laughed at work, was as pleasant as possible, pretended I was fine. You know, happy outside, writhing in agony inside? Yep, did that. ED was freaking loud. I promised to restrict (cue the dietician’s voice in my head reprimanding me), promised to keep it in the negative, and I did, kind of. Still he would not shut up. Still he nagged at me…take the fiber, take the lax, take the diurex, take the appetite suppressants….
I couldn’t; the time frame was all wrong all week long. Busy days kept me from giving in for fear of not being home in time when it all kicked in. I self harmed, but not enough that anyone would see any lasting effects. I contemplated life without me. I desperately missed my old therapist.
And that brings me to the present. Yesterday was truck day at work and a holiday weekend on top of that so ED made sure I literally worked my ass off, then I offered to have Easter for my side of the family at my place so I had to plan all of that. Then I had to go to the Good Friday service and wait up for my teenage daughter to get home from program practice AND catch up on homework. I went to bed at 1 this morning.
Today was a day of preparation: cooking, cleaning, filling Easter eggs with candy for the little ones and now it is about time to drive my girl to her youth group meeting, 22 miles in the country, and turn around, come home, finish cleaning, do homework, and get ready for tomorrow.
Needless to say, I am done adulting. I am already stewing over tomorrow’s meal and how I am going to manage that (ie. not eat more than ED thinks I should 😒). Oh the joys of life with mental illness. However, I am back. I am going to write more often. Share more often.