I am not going to eat today.
It was a hard day yesterday and an even harder night. I self harmed for the first time in months and my husband saw it. He was not happy. I didn’t care. I deserved it. I deserved more, but wasn’t left alone to do it.
Yesterday I fought ED. I tried to stick to my meal plan and refrain from walking, pacing, and other movement. I made myself eat an entire pear for snack (I know how that sounds…) and an hour and a half later I made myself eat supper. Then I physically freaked out for over half an hour in my car (I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty so I went outside to be alone). Half the time I was shaking uncontrollably and the other half I was curled up as tight as I could in a ball.
I don’t know what happened at home really, except that one moment I was getting ready to go to bed and the next moment I was in tears on the floor, feeling unloved and completely abandoned.
Those feelings have carried over to today. I have tried to get in with my therapist here, but he’s gone for the rest of the week and I made an intake appointment with an eating disorder specialist for tomorrow, but that doesn’t help me now.
I have not the will nor the desire to fight today. I want to perish. It would have been better had I never existed. These are the thoughts that linger in my mind hour after hour. I will not eat. I will not eat. I could care less if my body needs the nourishment. I could care less if I need the energy or my brain needs it to function.
I need to fix this. Right all the wrongs I’ve done. Make things right. But I can’t. I’m unable to make myself take care of me and until I can do that I cannot fix things or make anything right.
Lost. Alone. Abandoned. Miserable. These are my feelings and I don’t know how to overcome them save to push through, but honestly, I’m tired of pushing through. I want to lay down and give up the ghost. My brain tells me it would be better for everyone else if I was not here and as much as I don’t want to believe that, part of me does.
I am sorry for all the negativity, but these feelings are so overwhelming that I cannot deny them as I usually do. I bought a new book today; one I have read before, but know I need to read again. It is called “The Five Love Languages“. I need desperate help in that area, for my sanity and that of my husband. So here’s hoping it helps and that I am able to eat today after all.