Lingering Thoughts of a Troubled Mind


****TRIGGER WARNING****

I am not going to eat today.

It was a hard day yesterday and an even harder night.  I self harmed for the first time in months and my husband saw it. He was not happy.  I didn’t care.  I deserved it.  I deserved more, but wasn’t left alone to do it.

Yesterday I fought ED.  I tried to stick to my meal plan and refrain from walking, pacing, and other movement.  I made myself eat an entire pear for snack (I know how that sounds…) and an hour and a half later I made myself eat supper. Then I physically freaked out for over half an hour in my car (I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty so I went outside to be alone). Half the time I was shaking uncontrollably and the other half I was curled up as tight as I could in a ball.

I don’t know what happened at home really, except that one moment I was getting ready to go to bed and the next moment I was in tears on the floor, feeling unloved and completely abandoned.

Those feelings have carried over to today. I have tried to get in with my therapist here, but he’s gone for the rest of the week and I made an intake appointment with an eating disorder specialist for tomorrow, but that doesn’t help me now.

I have not the will nor the desire to fight today. I want to perish. It would have been better had I never existed.  These are the thoughts that linger in my mind hour after hour. I will not eat. I will not eat.  I could care less if my body needs the nourishment.  I could care less if I need the energy or my brain needs it to function.

I need to fix this.  Right all the wrongs I’ve done. Make things right.  But I can’t. I’m unable to make myself take care of me and until I can do that I cannot fix things or make anything right.

Lost.  Alone. Abandoned. Miserable. These are my feelings and I don’t know how to overcome them save to push through, but honestly, I’m tired of pushing through.  I want to lay down and give up the ghost. My brain tells me it would be better for everyone else if I was not here and as much as I don’t want to believe that, part of me does.

I am sorry for all the negativity, but these feelings are so overwhelming that I cannot deny them as I usually do.  I bought a new book today; one I have read before, but know I need to read again.  It is called “The Five Love Languages“.  I need desperate help in that area, for my sanity and that of my husband.  So here’s hoping it helps and that I am able to eat today after all.

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