You Win

********TRIGGER WARNING********

 

I am done.
I give up.

I have NO IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES I JUST ATE NOR WHY I CAN’T STOP EATING AND I FEEL COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL AND OVERWHELMED BY IT ALL.
I just want to CRAWL out of my SKIN.
FUCKING ED.
I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE.

I tried to fight it; I did.
I ate and I ate and I ate.
I’m sure nothing compared to what a normal person eats, but I ate until I was uncomfortably full and then I ate some more.
I ate what sounded good to me.
I ate donuts and candy bars and skipped on the safe food and went with the flow.
I ate.  Truly I did.

But now.  NOW I feel like I am going to die and I have NO ONE to talk unreservedly to about it.
No therapist. NO friends.
My Husband doesn’t understand what the deal is; what my problem is.
He thinks I’m just being a bitch again.
But, I’m not.
I’m just super uncomfortable and anxious and feel like throwing up and dying.
I wish I were a purger.  I would definitely have done it by now.
I wish it were cooler outside so I could go exercise, but even if it was, I don’t have the energy or the strength.
I wish I could just go to sleep so I could isolate and avoid the problem, but I can’t because my head won’t shut up about all the weight I’m going to gain and fat I’m going acquire from going to bed on a full stomach.

I thought, “I don’t need treatment.  I don’t have a problem.  I got this all under control.  I can eat more anytime I want.” because I did, during harvest I increased my intake and was okay.  However, I was a lot more active and didn’t have to sit with the food so much.  Right now I am not busy and I am weak, too weak to do much.

This is what anorexia does.  This is where it has got me.  And I am tired of fighting this battle on my own so he wins.  I can’t do this alone.

Today I woke up with some major body dysmorphia.  My face was round and I had a double-chin.  My tummy sticks out like I’m four months pregnant.  Even my legs look thicker.  That might not be the truth, but it’s what I see when I look in the mirror; it’s what ED forces me to see.  And then I try to fight on top of that by eating things that piss him off, but continuing to eat because I know I need it and it sounded good and all the while my brain is screaming at me: STOP EATING THAT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN THAT!! HOW COULD YOU LET YOURSELF COME TO THIS POINT?? WHY WOULD YOU EAT THAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MILES YOU’LL HAVE TO WALK TO GET THAT OFF?  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?  YOU’RE SUCH A LOSER.  YOU LACK WILLPOWER.  YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING.

And all day, I’ve ignored it.  Actually I’ve ignored it for three days now.  I’ve tried to eat and then eat some more.  I’ve eaten when I felt full or was not hungry.  And the scale reflects it.  I see it in the increase and my brain goes nuts over it.  I am so done.  I give up.  You win.

So, Tell Me What You Think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s