I am currently dealing with the repercussions of an extremely manic episode. I have fallen into depression, into temptation, the devil’s trap; said many things I don’t mean–or don’t want to mean, placed myself in harm’s way. Stress overload, anxiety at every turn and yet I run for the thrill of it. I am afraid I’ve jeopardized all I hold dear.
The one thought that reoccurs to me is, “Isn’t that what drug addicts do??”
They chase the thrill, knowing full well in their subconscious that the consequences are coming, and they won’t be good. But nothing matters in that moment of lust. Gratification is all that counts; all that matters. It’s like a house of cards with a faint wind blowing – one false move and a life of hard work tumbles down and leaves pieces of rubble to put together again. NOT something I ever want to go through again.
Yet, I think I’m playing with the corner card – tilting it this way and that; pushing the limits, testing the waters to see if I’ll drown. I think I want to drown.
Nevertheless, some small part of me cries for normalcy. The larger part has no idea how to stop and so I torture myself incessantly. I’m so afraid I can’t even write the words. DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T TELL. There’s nothing to say. And it has to stay that way.
I know the high isn’t worth the price. I constantly consider the future. I constantly reprimand myself for chasing it. I”ve done nothing nothing nothing, but I count the mere thoughts as deeds. I am repressing action, resisting temptation, and yet it takes all of my strength and then some.
I pray and pray and pray to overcome and am only slightly thankful when I do each day, even though I consider the cost constantly.
This is a war against the flesh. This test is hard. It takes all I have to keep it together. My brain, my mind, my thoughts, and more. It takes God’s constant reminders at the right moment. He’s making diamonds and I feel the pressure. I must overcome. I WILL overcome with His help.
How does this even happen? How does a person get to this point in a battle? Is it of my own doing? That of my illness? I think it is because of my mania earlier in October. I think my sickened brain reacted in a manner contrary to who I am and what I am and thus, now a semi-normal me has to deal with aftershocks, as it were.
Lord, you know my struggles. You know where my allegiance lies and the true desires of my heart. Bring them forth into my sight. Remind me who I am and that this is who I’m not. Help my Husband understand. Help him to see who I am and that this is who I’m not. I love You above all else. And I love him above all other people. In Jesus’s precious name, Amen.