Don’t TElL

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*****TRIGGER WARNING*****

Not that I wanted to begin the year like this, but hey, to my brain, it’s just another day.  I have been struggling with some temptations.  Pretty massive temptations.  The consequences thereof, I am not sure I could handle.  I have NOT given in yet, but the guilt and condemnation that prey upon my mind are resilient to say the least.  I sit here, shaking.  My mind saying, don’t tell. Don’t tell. Don’t tell.  This it has been screaming at me for the last three or four weeks.  Don’t tell.  It is always there. Don’t tell. Like a snake silently flicking its tongue to catch a sniff before it strikes. Don’t tell.

I started by ignoring it.  Thinking it would go away.  But that hasn’t worked.  Then I tried writing it and shredding the paper.  That hasn’t worked either.  The only thing left to do then, is to tell.  There is freedom in letting go.  There is peace.  I know, but the consequences are scary.  Or at least they seem scary.  My mind has built them up to the point that death seems the only way to escape them.  I know they are not as bad as all that, but the thought resides nonetheless.  So I am going to share what I have written the last few weeks.  If it makes sense, great.  If it is just rambling nonsense to you then I guess that is what it is.  Either way, I’m telling.  I’m getting it out.

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I seriously need to write.  I can feel the tension writhing inside of me and the words overflowing in my brain.  I thought things would get better with the disappearance of my coworker (he was let go) and they have a little.  The stress has abated.  The irritation is mostly gone as well.  But now I notice my  mind is racy.  All I want to do is numb out.  I was taking Latuda, which seemed to be helping, but it made me very nauseous one night and I haven’t attempted it since.

I dislike, nay, I hate the way I am now.  Mind in the gutter, trash out of my mouth.  Unwholesomeness at every turn.  Keeping in the giving into temptation mindset.  Dirty thoughts about dirty old perverts that is so wholly gross it disgusts me beyond repair.  The devil has hold of my mind and making me depressed and erroneous in ways–action, deed, and word.  Lazy lazy.  Behind on work–school.  Grumping my husband; Grumping myself.  Need relief: Release.

I can’t even describe how dirty these thoughts make me feel; how decrepit and weak.  I do wish people would leave me alone.  Where does this attitude come from?  Why does it peak its ugly little head after a good morning?  Is it too much thought?  Too many immoral comments and attitudes heard or let into my mind via my ears by myself?  They fester and froth; boil up, fill with vile puss.

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I feel as though all I have done today is eat, sit, and read.  And now I am stupid with exhaustion and mental fatigue.  My teeth are dirty, my tongue a fire, my mouth full of thick slimy saliva that refuses to be swallowed.

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Mind fucked.  It’s how things roll around here.  New Year is coming and all I want to do is leave this baggage behind, but it isn’t leaving me.  I’m over all of this.  Leave me be.  How can I??  I’ve let it slip in from behind; just where I like it best.  I’d blow my brains out if I thought it would help.  But it won’t so I’ll just suffer through it.  I like it that way anyway.  Who doesn’t??  How is that not normal?  Pain. Torture. Death. Till the end of time.

The urge to cut is looming forward; seeping into my veins like icy cold desires, tempting me into false bliss: luring me to a false peace.  Just do it.  What’s stopping you?  People watching.  I HATE BEING BRAINFUCKED!! How is this okay in your mind??  How are you fine with this??  How am I okay with this?? I have a conscience, but do you??  You will be miserable.  Man cannot serve two desires.  One will be resented.  One will be hurt.

Why must I continue for attention??  For pain?? Both are very seducing to me.  WHY??

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3 thoughts on “Don’t TElL

  1. “I was taking Latuda, which seemed to be helping, but it made me very nauseous one night and I haven’t attempted it since.”
    Did you stop this cold turkey?
    This could be causing your thoughts to be going crazy.
    Call your doctor, asap, and get advice on this.

    Darling, you are literally being torn apart.
    You are two people inside…or at least that is just how you feel.
    You can’t live like that.

    You aren’t alone.
    there are many who have been there, are there.
    I was.

    be careful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I only just began it to take it. Maybe 4 times max. And you are right, I am two people inside most days. I know the one I’m suppose to be, the one I want to be, but the temptations I deal with are overpowering sometimes. I’m getting help. I just have to learn(?)…want…to help myself. At least I’m in the process of getting there :)

      Like

      1. That’s a relief to hear, about how long you had been taking it. This has to be the person you want to be, not who you are supposed to be. You have to want to be that person, or a combination of the two. I wanted to be a combination. I liked the settled part of one, the nurturing part, but I liked the creative and sometimes spontaneous part of the other…not too spontaneous…but my one side didn’t like to be spontaneous at all, and was afraid to take chances, actually I find myself a bit afraid of that still sometimes. Afraid I’ll make a food of myself, where the other me, didn’t give a hoot…but that got me in a lot of trouble. A person who would meet people on the street and I didn’t remember them but they knew intimate things about me. Let’s put it this way, I have no idea how many people I’ve slept with. And my husband accepted that before he married me…he is a good man. Oh there is much more. You are not alone.
        But I will tell you something, even after I got stable it was very hard to get over the learned behaviors. I knew no other way to react to confrontation than to blow up and leave…burning a lot of bridges…really making a scene…it was do or die…extreme fight of flight. I took little things to mean the person didn’t care. my husband…then boy friend, once grabbed me and told me that no matter how hard I pushed he wasn’t going anywhere. yeah, he’s a keeper.
        Before we got married he went into therapy to work on his stuff, I went in to work on mine, and we went in to work on us.
        Since then, when I started to lose so much of my independence from getting sick, we’ve been back in therapy, first I went alone, but then I said, he’s in this too, and that made our marriage so much stronger. My point there, don’t push your husband out. If he is a good man, you need to communicate over anything. You have to get through this together. Nurture your relationship while you heal you. That will make you more and more find out just the One person you want to be.
        Now remember I’m not a professional, just sharing what I’ve been through.
        I mainly want you to know, you aren’t alone. and there is hope.
        I didn’t think so for many years. I didn’t get stable until I was in my 30’s, and the learned behavior still pops up every now and then..but not very often. (I’m 52 now)
        If you ever need to talk to an old stable person who has gone through a lot. I have pretty big ears.
        Good luck my dear.
        One day at a time, that’s all you can do….and be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can.

        Like

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