Alonenessness

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Do you ever just want to be alone?
Just left completely to yourself?

I am…well, I was going to say struggling, but I am not sure it is actually a struggle…maybe grappling is the word.  I am grappling with the irritation of not being left alone.  I think over the last year of my life and at first, I admit, I wanted to continue to be a part of the community I was in.  I wanted to be included.  Indeed, I strove for that.  However, as the avoidance/shunning became more prevalent in my life when around this community I found myself wanting to completely sever my ties.  I knew I was suppose to when I asked to be expelled, but I could not let go completely then.  Now I feel the burden of not following that unction through.

Since I chose not to completely separate, it now feels as though I have been pushed or forced out.  Whether or not this is true is still a question, but it feels that way, nonetheless.  Had I chosen to do it, I would have saved myself the innumerable emotions I have dealt with this past year.

There are the occasional calls about being included in next year’s calendar or to attend a school function (which I would have attended had it not been more a social function than an actual school function).  There are the occasional texts, voxs, calls, &c. from former friends who have not heard from me in a long time and wonder how I am and what I have been up to.  These really bother me.  There are a few (I can count them on less than one hand) that I am still friends with; that I still talk to on a pretty regular basis.  But the rest come around when their conscience is pricked, because, well I won’t suppose or assume I know the reason, I don’t.

I am choosing not to answer.  At first I would put it off and answer later, but then I felt guilty.  I don’t know why.  It’s not like any of these people feel guilty for not talking to their once good friend more often.  I guess I shouldn’t say that either, since I cannot rightly judge what is actually in their hearts.  But now, I just want to be left alone.  I don’t feel like these efforts are sincere, but rather a way to soothe their own consciences and try to draw me back and I am so tired of not being able to move on.  I am so tired of feeling guilty for not answering when I have nothing to say.

I can’t tell them how I am or how I am progressing spiritually because it isn’t appropriate for them to talk about with the “excommunicated”.  Technically, we are not suppose to make small, or casual, talk, either, because it is part of the avoidance.  I know it is not my job to help them keep the avoidance, but I find myself sneering inside at them for not keeping up the complete avoidance, but only as it suits, because that is insincere, incomplete?, hypocritical?…Oh, I know, because I am a black and white person and the avoidance seems pretty clear cut to me.  My fault.  I am tired of living and feeling like this.

I am tired of putting off replying because I don’t want to offend.
I am tired of feeling like I am a soul to be pitied because of my “waywardness”.
I am tired of living in the past.

THIS IS THE FUTURE: THIS IS THE PRESENT.

Paul said to leave… forget… all things behind and strive forward toward the goal:

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
–Philippians 3:12-14, NIV

How can I, if I cannot get past the strife and resentment and bitterness in my heart toward the people that once loved me?

I am a firm believer in out of sight, out of mind, but I don’t think it will work in this case and I wonder if there is a lesson to be learned in this trial and if that lesson is just this?  Maybe it’s a lesson of endurance.  I refuse to run away like I were at fault or a coward.  I refuse to pretend like I don’t deserve this… … there is a borderline thought if I ever saw one.  So it seems I am at an impasse.  With God all things are  possible and there is a way through.  I know I must be patient; wait a little longer.

2 thoughts on “Alonenessness

  1. You made a wise decision, but the ensuing transition is difficult. It’s like a little bird leaving the comfort of the nest where it was fed and cared for. Learning to fly is so different from living in a cozy nest, but flying under the loving eye of our Heavenly Father is where true love and freedom are. When you fly, you are free to grow, to explore the heavens, and drink in the wider view of beauty and love. The more you fly, the stronger your wings become so you can explore new heights in the Father’s kingdom. When you remain strong in your convictions, those who would keep you bound by the law will eventually turn their attention to other things. And that is good, because you are living in the love and freedom that God intends for you. Let go of your attraction to the safety of the nest, and rejoice that you can now soar to new heights! Bless you, Kelsi. –Gwen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your wise words and encouragement, lady! I love your analogy and explanation. It encourages me to continue in the way I know is true. And… It is so interesting that you can see this truth through my words. I don’t believe I shared those thoughts explicitly and yet you see right through! Love you!

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