Do you ever just want to be alone?
Just left completely to yourself?
I am…well, I was going to say struggling, but I am not sure it is actually a struggle…maybe grappling is the word. I am grappling with the irritation of not being left alone. I think over the last year of my life and at first, I admit, I wanted to continue to be a part of the community I was in. I wanted to be included. Indeed, I strove for that. However, as the avoidance/shunning became more prevalent in my life when around this community I found myself wanting to completely sever my ties. I knew I was suppose to when I asked to be expelled, but I could not let go completely then. Now I feel the burden of not following that unction through.
Since I chose not to completely separate, it now feels as though I have been pushed or forced out. Whether or not this is true is still a question, but it feels that way, nonetheless. Had I chosen to do it, I would have saved myself the innumerable emotions I have dealt with this past year.
There are the occasional calls about being included in next year’s calendar or to attend a school function (which I would have attended had it not been more a social function than an actual school function). There are the occasional texts, voxs, calls, &c. from former friends who have not heard from me in a long time and wonder how I am and what I have been up to. These really bother me. There are a few (I can count them on less than one hand) that I am still friends with; that I still talk to on a pretty regular basis. But the rest come around when their conscience is pricked, because, well I won’t suppose or assume I know the reason, I don’t.
I am choosing not to answer. At first I would put it off and answer later, but then I felt guilty. I don’t know why. It’s not like any of these people feel guilty for not talking to their once good friend more often. I guess I shouldn’t say that either, since I cannot rightly judge what is actually in their hearts. But now, I just want to be left alone. I don’t feel like these efforts are sincere, but rather a way to soothe their own consciences and try to draw me back and I am so tired of not being able to move on. I am so tired of feeling guilty for not answering when I have nothing to say.
I can’t tell them how I am or how I am progressing spiritually because it isn’t appropriate for them to talk about with the “excommunicated”. Technically, we are not suppose to make small, or casual, talk, either, because it is part of the avoidance. I know it is not my job to help them keep the avoidance, but I find myself sneering inside at them for not keeping up the complete avoidance, but only as it suits, because that is insincere, incomplete?, hypocritical?…Oh, I know, because I am a black and white person and the avoidance seems pretty clear cut to me. My fault. I am tired of living and feeling like this.
I am tired of putting off replying because I don’t want to offend.
I am tired of feeling like I am a soul to be pitied because of my “waywardness”.
I am tired of living in the past.
THIS IS THE FUTURE: THIS IS THE PRESENT.
Paul said to leave… forget… all things behind and strive forward toward the goal:
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
–Philippians 3:12-14, NIV
How can I, if I cannot get past the strife and resentment and bitterness in my heart toward the people that once loved me?
I am a firm believer in out of sight, out of mind, but I don’t think it will work in this case and I wonder if there is a lesson to be learned in this trial and if that lesson is just this? Maybe it’s a lesson of endurance. I refuse to run away like I were at fault or a coward. I refuse to pretend like I don’t deserve this… … there is a borderline thought if I ever saw one. So it seems I am at an impasse. With God all things are possible and there is a way through. I know I must be patient; wait a little longer.