Downward

Pretty sure I’m hitting the downward path hard today. Physical symptoms of the depressive side of “Black Mania” setting in:

My whole body hurts.

My eyes burn. My back aches. My legs are tender and weak.
I just feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. And my mood is significantly impaired.

Two days ago I couldn’t stop laughing and dancing and smiling.

Today, I feel there is no reason to smile. I don’t care.

I want to be left alone. I want to curl up in a quiet dark corner and forget about existence.
Or I want to feel. Anger. Hate. Self loathing. Anything to feel something.

I’m just sitting here wishing I could leave because I’m afraid one wrong word and I’ll be in tears.

Today I feel as though working is not the best thing for me.
I wish there was a way to bow out gracefully without losing my job.
I wish I could just say, my mental status is rapidly deteriorating and this environment is not good for it nor is it helping me.

I’m just miserable.

I hate life. People I have to interact with that could give two shits less about me and I could care even less about. Like my coworkers.

I wish they would just leave me alone.
Like totally.
Stop talking to me;
Trying to cheer me up, or
See what my problem is.

They don’t care.
I dont understand why they are asking.
Why are you asking?

You can’t handle the truth,
And I can’t explain it to you;
Nor do I want to…
It’s not my job to educate your uninformed minds as to what I am experiencing.

Fuck

The words hang on my lips, fill my mouth: the spaces between my teeth, and thicken my tongue.

I’m tired of playing pretend.
Of forcing myself to smile and answer your questions.

Act like I’m okay when I’m not.
I’m tired. I’m spent.
Like a week on meth, I’m down to nothing now.
What the fuck.
It was a week on meth, without the drugs.

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