Black Mania

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Milo. Kelsi M. Meireis 2015.

****TRIGGER WARNING****

Been battling this disease for five years now and I have never heard the term “Black Mania” until today.

The last 9 days have been progressively getting worse for me.  Super busy at work with harvest.  13.5 hour work days for the last week and a half, 10-12 hour work days the week before that.  I should be exhausted, but instead I find myself with more and more energy, more and more restless.  Running down trucks.  Cleaning windows.  Dancing. Spinning. Dusting everything.  Typing fast, mind flying fast.  Thoughts spinning.  Laughing. Giggling. Going faster and faster til I can’t stop, but fall over from exhaustion.  Then up and around to do it the next day.

Last week I did, or rather said some things I shouldn’t have, and the whole time I am thinking I shouldn’t be saying these things, but I didn’t care and out they came.  All in good fun, right? No.  Not for me.  NO.

 

Symptoms of Mania present:
Endless energy
Increased Libido
Risk taking behaviors
Not Eating
Happy Feelings: Ecstatic feelings
Limited Grandiose thoughts

Other symptoms:
Always Hot
Always Thirsty
Wired
Cravings–drugs, cigarettes, alcohol.
Grinding my teeth
Inability to sit still

 

Present in my scribbles:

Fuckedd

Think I’m fucked again.
In the head.
Swirling thoughts.
Emotions numb or wild
Need drugs
Crave
Want
Desire
And escape
Lust
Disillusioned
Pain
Lost
Attention
Fucked
Fingers
Toasted
Shake
Love
Hate
Mostly hate
Self Hate.

 

But there is also depression:
Sadness, if I let it creep in.
Anger.
Anxiety.

 

Also Present in my scribbles:

Misery.

Such smiles and laughs.
Such good disguises.
Such elaborate lies to hide the truth.
Tears on the brim of my eyelids,
Pains in my stomach.
Hate in my head.
My hands shake,
My fingers tingle.
Stop and lie.
I can’t share how I really feel.
Like Screaming.
Like going overboard: all out.
Like fucking myself into oblivion.
I think I’m fucked again.
High again.
High as a kite,
Like I’m on meth.
But I’m not.

 

I want to hide at home, in my husband’s strong, safe arms.  I want to hide from myself.  but I can’t.  Went to therapy today.  Got told it’s a good thing I didn’t wait until our next scheduled appointment to go in.  I’m being proactive about recognizing and seeking help, intervening, which is a good thing apparently.  Therapist said he thinks I’m experiencing Black Mania…Said he’s seen me hypomanic and full blown manic, but this isn’t like either of those.  I said I thought mixed episodes only involved hypomania and depression.  He said no.  You can be full-blown manic: have the energy, and be depressed.
That explains the tears and sadness.

 

 

Manic Eyes. Self Portrait. Kelsi Meireis. 2015

See This Girl?

Why must she always be getting herself into situations?
Why can’t she be normal like everyone else?
Thoughts reel in my head,
Of slashing my arms
Of how slutty my mind is
How I am a bad person
How I should want to stop but I can’t
How I’m afraid to write these words because I 
don’t want my life to be ruined by them.
How no one understands me
How I overthink things
Everything.
How will I look when I am no longer interesting?
Why does it matter?
What brought this on?
What did I do?
Do I bring it on myself?
Just having fun and yet I am tormented to continue
To keep going and going until I can’t stop and I can’t take back what I’ve done.
I haven’t done anything yet.
But words. Saying things. Implying things I don’t mean.
or do i?
Like she said,
It’s the attention, not the person or people.
It’s the attention.
I said to pay attention to me more than others do.
That’s my problem.  Always has been.
And now I find myself in that problem again.

I find myself learning something new everyday.  Today it happens to be an intimate knowledge of “Black Mania”.  I thank God he gives me strength to avoid anything that might have serious consequences and that I am reminded daily that this is not who I am; this is what my illness does.  I’m taking heart in that and running with it; it’s what I’ve got today.

3 thoughts on “Black Mania

  1. Kelsi, I hurt for you so much when you go through these hard, hard times. As I think of you and pray for you, I am thankful for these things:
    –that you are a Christian because–
    –that means you have the Spirit of God present with you and helping you.
    –that you seek help from your therapist, because God works in many ways, including through people.
    –that you write all your feelings down, because there is a cleansing effect in doing that.
    –that you have a husband and children who love you.
    –that you have a job, even though it must be hard to go to work, but it helps keep your mind occupied.
    The feelings that you listed fill you with fear of what you could do to yourself, or what might happen to you. 2 Timothy 1:7 came to mind. “For God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and and love and a sound mind.” (This is from the King James Version and I like the way it is stated better than in some other versions.)
    I am praying for Jesus to help you and heal you. Hold on to what you know to be true according to God’s Word. In His Love–Gwen

    Liked by 1 person

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