Been battling this disease for five years now and I have never heard the term “Black Mania” until today.
The last 9 days have been progressively getting worse for me. Super busy at work with harvest. 13.5 hour work days for the last week and a half, 10-12 hour work days the week before that. I should be exhausted, but instead I find myself with more and more energy, more and more restless. Running down trucks. Cleaning windows. Dancing. Spinning. Dusting everything. Typing fast, mind flying fast. Thoughts spinning. Laughing. Giggling. Going faster and faster til I can’t stop, but fall over from exhaustion. Then up and around to do it the next day.
Last week I did, or rather said some things I shouldn’t have, and the whole time I am thinking I shouldn’t be saying these things, but I didn’t care and out they came. All in good fun, right? No. Not for me. NO.
Symptoms of Mania present:
Risk taking behaviors
Happy Feelings: Ecstatic feelings
Limited Grandiose thoughts
Cravings–drugs, cigarettes, alcohol.
Grinding my teeth
Inability to sit still
Present in my scribbles:
Think I’m fucked again.
In the head.
Emotions numb or wild
But there is also depression:
Sadness, if I let it creep in.
Also Present in my scribbles:
Such smiles and laughs.
Such good disguises.
Such elaborate lies to hide the truth.
Tears on the brim of my eyelids,
Pains in my stomach.
Hate in my head.
My hands shake,
My fingers tingle.
Stop and lie.
I can’t share how I really feel.
Like going overboard: all out.
Like fucking myself into oblivion.
I think I’m fucked again.
High as a kite,
Like I’m on meth.
But I’m not.
I want to hide at home, in my husband’s strong, safe arms. I want to hide from myself. but I can’t. Went to therapy today. Got told it’s a good thing I didn’t wait until our next scheduled appointment to go in. I’m being proactive about recognizing and seeking help, intervening, which is a good thing apparently. Therapist said he thinks I’m experiencing Black Mania…Said he’s seen me hypomanic and full blown manic, but this isn’t like either of those. I said I thought mixed episodes only involved hypomania and depression. He said no. You can be full-blown manic: have the energy, and be depressed.
That explains the tears and sadness.
See This Girl?
Why must she always be getting herself into situations?
Why can’t she be normal like everyone else?
Thoughts reel in my head,
Of slashing my arms
Of how slutty my mind is
How I am a bad person
How I should want to stop but I can’t
How I’m afraid to write these words because I don’t want my life to be ruined by them.
How no one understands me
How I overthink things
How will I look when I am no longer interesting?
Why does it matter?
What brought this on?
What did I do?
Do I bring it on myself?
Just having fun and yet I am tormented to continue
To keep going and going until I can’t stop and I can’t take back what I’ve done.
I haven’t done anything yet.
But words. Saying things. Implying things I don’t mean.
or do i?
Like she said,
It’s the attention, not the person or people.
It’s the attention.
I said to pay attention to me more than others do.
That’s my problem. Always has been.
And now I find myself in that problem again.
I find myself learning something new everyday. Today it happens to be an intimate knowledge of “Black Mania”. I thank God he gives me strength to avoid anything that might have serious consequences and that I am reminded daily that this is not who I am; this is what my illness does. I’m taking heart in that and running with it; it’s what I’ve got today.