August 6, 2015:
The breeze is blowing, catching the clothesline string and tugging away at it, back and forth, to and fro, and causing the kittens some entertainment, as well as some slight perplexities as to the best way of catching the swaying thing just out of their reach. Meanwhile, I sit here with a Brussels Griffon on my lap contemplating my own perplexities of life….
…How to deal with trials that arise at work.
Most days I feel okay, not happy exactly about going to work, but okay with it. There are good moments, like hearing interesting viewpoints of the local farmers and learning to appreciate what they do (and the fact that I am NOT married to one). There is free time to relax a little and enjoy the small things (such as the day a crop-duster dusted the field directly to the west of the elevator and we received a free air show, as it were).
I enjoy the work. I like working on the computer, answering the phone, and giving directions to lost truckers (as we are literally in the middle of nowhere and seldom clearly marked on a map). I enjoy learning about what constitutes a good grain sample and what is not so good. I like the smell of the grain as it comes in and goes out. I am proud to be an employee of the company I work for.
So I am at a loss as what to do when I feel uncomfortable and at times, threatened; scared to be left alone with certain coworkers. I have been threatened, at least twice now, (the most recent bodily harm), I have been cussed at, had something thrown at me, been disrespected, and put down. And I feel as though I am unable to do anything for myself because I do not want to get anyone in trouble, I do not want to have to defend myself, and I cannot quit.
I try to ignore and go about my business, but it is so hard when I am never alone because they are always in the office. They have been told to not be in the office (there is no point for them to be…), but they do not listen and there is little enforcement of what has been said. I am guilty sometimes. I defend myself and spout off when I should just be quiet, but I get to the point where I am so fed up that what else can I do?
I realize that sentence is full of self. I, I, I, me, me, me. But I do not know what else to do. I felt that this was God-given. It has proven to be what my family needed and I want to continue to do my part for them, but I wonder, at what cost??
Here I sit, on my time, at my home, and I should be enjoying my evening, but not knowing how to handle what happened today is nagging at me. Even though there are many distractions: a perfectly lovely evening out of doors, an amazing sunset, Autumn knocking at the door. Emails to write, a bed to get ready for, a book to read, some yo-yos to sew… the list I should have made at the beginning of this post.
I cannot wait for tomorrow mid afternoon when I get to take my daughter in for her shot and go to the doctor myself… It means an afternoon away from work and a weekend free…. and I missed Monday, worked half a day Wednesday, and two-thirds of a day tomorrow…I guess I should have taken the week off lol.
October 7, 2015:
I have been contemplating a lot about my work situation. It does not seem as though the way is open to leave my position in favor of another or returning to a homemaker position, but I am holding on to the hope that things will improve. They have a bit, but I think it is because of internal changes on my part. I’ve been working really hard on myself to let go of thoughts that are not my business to worry about. After all, I am not the boss and I have a secular job where immorality is the norm. For all you reading who know me I want to clarify that I do NOT mean that the business or company I work for is any in way immoral; rather what I mean is that some of the people I work with are immoral. Specifically the individual I spoke of above.
I should pity this person because I reeealllyyy wonder if they could possibly know any better than to behave they way they do, but I am just selfish enough that I don’t. I remind myself constantly that I do not know the whole story and I try to watch for proof that contradicts my bad ideas about said coworker. What else can I do? I know I am allowing the devil to make me miserable. I get thoughts like, “Well, why does that person get away with it when You couldn’t?” or “Why don’t you do it? This person does!” and I remind myself that even if no one else is obeying the rules I must because I am a representative of Christ and it is my job to behave like one!
“Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.”
(See vv. 5-9 for context)
So there it is. It doesn’t say to try to change things or people. It doesn’t say to hold others accountable for their actions as if I were the “boss”. However, it does say,
“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”
Romans 8:17, NIV
Did Christ suffer with wanting to correct the immoral, illicit actions of those around Him? I daresay He did, but I only remember one account vividly of His acting out…the incident at the Temple the week of Passover….and I’m pretty sure He was justified in His actions where I would not be. His actions were holy, mine would be devious. His actions were godly, mine would be selfish at best. Case in point:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Philippians 2:3-4, NIV
(See vv. 1-11 for context)
Is it at all possible for my actions to match these qualifications? Am I doing it out humility and because I value the spiritual life of the other person? Or am I looking to my own interests? What do you do when work drama arises? How do you remain calm in spite of the spiritual storm around you? Thanks for listening, dear readers! I value each one of you!
All My Best!