Move

Honestly, MercyMe has to be one of my favorite bands, eVer.  They might be right up there with Nine Inch Nails by this point.  I cannot believe the variety of beats and musical styles there are in the Christian music industry these days.  There is something for just about everyone, I think!

September 29, 2015

After last week I am in need of a good week.  Heck, I’ll take a good few days.  Thursday and Friday were especially bad due to the added stress of money issues (why those days?  I don’t know…)  and I found myself under pressure, out of control, and overwhelmed….again.  Thursday I was able to restrain myself somewhat…I found a razor and began to cut, but stopped.  I do not know why, but I did.  Friday however, was a different story.  I was at home in the evening and tried to lock myself away from everyone…from my husband, but he got the door unlocked and immediately looked at my arms.  That’s not where I did it so I was all nonchalant about it even though I knew he knew.

I didn’t care.  I just wanted to be left alone to regain control of myself, my life, in the best way I knew how.  It’s getting worse, though.  Now I have thoughts of going farther: pushing the limits.  How many pills can I take without overdosing?  How fast can I drive without wrecking?  How deep can I cut without needing stitches?  I hate these thoughts and feelings because I know that even though they are an attempt to regain and control my life, ultimately they lead to less control.  The very acts themselves are full of uncontrollable consequences and outcomes.

Sounds Logical?  I know.  The results of mental illness rarely are.

Thankfully, my boss let me have Sunday off.  The girls and I went to church and I took communion… For the first time in two or three years and only the third time in the last ten years.  I know that even with my problems I am under God’s grace and that he is working in my life.  I was even brave enough to ask for prayer afterwards.  They always have a call for it during the last song, but I was not brave enough to walk to the front of the sanctuary and ask in front of all those people standing there.

I asked specifically for help with self harm.  The two men seemed a little taken back by it, but at least one said he had some experience with it and knew what I was talking about.  It was wonderful and kind and caring.  We held hands and I could feel their concern.  Much different than the cold communal prayers I received when in the Mennonite church.  Outward warmth and caring just doesn’t appear there as much.  I wonder why?  I know they care.  Well, enough on that front.

It’s lovely weather out: cool, rainy, cloudy.  Just lovely.  Even though it has been a busy two days thus far, I feel that my week has started out better.  I am attributing that to prayer.  And maybe my renewal of the Covenant I made with God through Jesus this past Sunday.  My new class is harder for me than I expected; mostly because I do not have the time to commit to it as I should, but I am still learning so much.

October 4, 2015:

Speaking of said class, I really should run.  Our internet is being ridiculously slow so I thought I’d pop over and post while I waited for the other page to load (doing research for the Covenant term paper due near the end of class).  I realized today that I am overwhelmed by the lack of time to call my own.  I took ten minutes and made myself some homemade pumpkin spice coffee creamer (I’ll share the recipe  in a post tomorrow!) and as I sat enjoying a warm mug full of Autumn delightfulness I thought I need to start doing something that I enjoy everyday.  Not just play a silly game on my phone, but actually do something with my hands.  And write. Blog.  Because I miss it…. and because I just had my 4 year anniversary….. FOUR years of blogging! I cannot believe it.  I think if I got serious about it, I could make something out of this little piece of cyberspace.  I don’t know yet.  We will see.

Later my Lovelies!
Happy Sunday!

One thought on “Move

  1. You went to the best source ever, Kelsi. Jesus wants to help you with everything that concerns you, and I’m so thankful for those people (who are Jesus with skin on) who are right there to meet you at your point of need. Jesus desires that we commune with him every chance we get, and what a blessing that you did. Keep running to Jesus. Just like in the story of the prodigal son, as soon as he sees you, he will run down the road to meet you, and welcome you, and minister to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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