Still Crazy.

******TRIGGER WARNING******

Thought I was getting better.
Thought I was over the hump.
Thought I was learning to live healthy.

I was wrong.
Mania is setting in again.
I swear I fucking hate this day.
So the happy go-lucky false mask falls away from my foul face and reveals the truth.
The scars.  The ugly. The hate.  The anger.

I cannot stand the impertanence of some people.  The audacity to act like a fucking idiot and to expect to get away with it.
Speak.  Say what you think.  Tell me what you feel.

Fuck you.  You don’t deserve to know how I feel.  I don’t have a thing to say to you because it is all useless.
Like everything that comes out of your mouth.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO WEAK AS TO LET WORDS ATTACK MY SOUL WITH THE VICIOUSNESS THEY DO??
WHY DO I HAVE TO LET IT AFFECT MY MIND AS I HAVE??

I HATE WEAKNESS.  I HATE THAT MY MIND IS WEAK.  SUSCEPTIBLE TO CHEMICAL IMBALANCES.  TO CAUSE ME PAIN.  to cause me to torture myself; hurt myself.

I made it a year.  A YEAR without triggering.  But not today.  Today the pain feels good.  Like I deserve it.  I know I do.
Now I have to come up with excuses.  Lies.  and I hate lying.  I hate people asking me and making it necessary for me to lie more.

I really just want to die.  disappear.  go home.  stay there.  in a hole where I do not have to deal with fucking idiots anymore.  Go to hell.  I probably will.

This is not me.  Why are you here?  Leave me alone.
Doesn’t it feel nice to know that you’re still crazy?

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