My Foot of the Cross

As I sit here listening to the sounds of the prairie, the birds sweetly singing, crickets beginning their evening sonnet, cattle lowing and bugling, Berlios (our sweet tomcat) purring and meowing, the thought finally comes to me that all are doing so to the glory of their Creator, the composer of their songs, sounds, and pleas.  He delights in their music because He created them just the way He likes.  In this moment, all of my worries and struggles just seem to fade away.  Surrounded by this beauty, His beauty, makes me sorrowful that I ever have to leave it.  Is this my foot of the cross?
The place where I can leave all of my pain and doubt and shortcomings with my dear Savior who sought to deliver me from sin?  Is this my sanctuary?  Alone, out here in nature, surrounded by God’s glorious creation, with my Savior on my mind and a pen in my hand.  The clouds floating past over head, fluffy gray billows that sprinkle drops of evening dew as they float by, drifting where the wind wills them.
The rain has brought with it the awakening of the toads who croak so loudly at times that it is hard to think and one wishes for a volume knob to lull the blissful croaks to a softer tone.  The hills and prairie are so green that when the sunlight reflects off the blades of grass and seas of leaves it looks like a rolling wave of Spring.

Yesterday was hard.  Spring program last night and the girls did well.  I nearly did not however.  Today was playday and I had decided against going until my eldest reminded me of her bat and mitt.  So we braved the roads and I braved the uncomfortable separation and we went for an hour and a half or so.  Now again I am near tears because I do not want to say good-bye to my “home’ of the last eight (nearly nine) years.
The devil is at my mind telling me one minute how they are all looking at me disapprovingly behind my back, tisking their tongues at my deceived waywardness, and the next minute, fueling  my “desire” to return to their “fold” with feelings of longing and missing; telling me I can go back and everything will be okay again–Just blend back in.  They’ll be so happy, they’ll welcome you with open arms.   And he’s right.  They would. For a time.  But my heart hasn’t changed and I don’t want to return to that false sense of security and sleep.  Letting others dictate how I should follow God for me, letting myself believe that as long as I do thus and thus, I’ll be saved and in God’s good graces.

When I was expelled I thought (albeit unconsciously) that I would be heralded for my bravery and courage to follow God in the midst of wrong.  That I was special.  That I did it the “right way”–the way I was suppose to–not like the other one.  BUT. I was PRIDEFUL. and I was WRONG.  I thought the acceptance would remain among “God’s people” for me as I followed God’s direction for my life… After all, that’s what they do too, isn’t it??
Like Saul of Tarsus, the scales are falling from my eyes and my blindness is slipping away, leaving me blinking in the light that becomes brighter by the day, dazed and confused, and full of remorse and sadness for my past pride and idolatry.  Many times in the last week it has become more and more apparent that I am to sever all of my ties with this idol of mine.  Rip it out of my life until no part of it remains to tug at my heart and draw me back to the sleep, away from the Lord who has rescued me from it.

He speaks through random people who say things that do not make any sense for the context they were spoke in, through random alerts of bible verses on my phone that reaffirm His next step for me, through thoughts–repeated gentle prodding thoughts that keep coming.  He spoke through the minister’s address at 8th grade graduation Friday night–this man who spoke of things that no Mennonite youth will ever do (or maybe, very unlikely is a better choice of words).

And I just need to listen.  But it is so hard, giving up the things I love and worked so hard for.  To stay will make me miserable for the rest of my life, for the foreseeable future at minimum, to leave will make me sad for a time, too.  BUT.  I KNOW the Lord has such good things in store for me, my girls, my husband.  But I am holding us back. and for selfish reasons really.

I know women are not “Suppose” to be the spiritual leaders of the home, but for some reason I KNOW I am.  It’s me leading my family to and from God and it is scary to think I am leading them away, into a life of complacency where I depend on someone else’s spiritual connection with God to lead me to Him.  When I know in my heart of hearts that that is wrong.  I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me.  I have the power to listen and hear Him speaking to me and yet I have let someone else do it for me for such a long time now that it is hard to discern exactly what He is saying and, not to mention, whether or not it is the devil masquerading around as an angel of light, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I was newborn and spiritually weak and I went to the first thing that looked promising, followed a “feeling”: It just felt like home, It just felt right… (As I write all this, in the back of my mind the questions poke me — Well wasn’t that direction from God?  Wasn’t that where He sent you?  What if you let because you were/are deceived?  What is you are not saved?  What if you are spiritually dead?? — If I were spiritually dead then you wouldn’t be tormenting me so badly Satan!!  Thank you for proving to me the exact thing you want me to doubt and question!!).

The mist is moving in and dusk is surely at hand for the light is fading fast.  I should go tend to my family.  After all I’m only on page nine by now.  Thank you LORD for the ability to write.  Thank you for your loving guidance and forbearance with me during this time.  I know you will continue to lead me into the light, Your light, showing me the way.  Enable me to hear your gentle guidance and to listen and obey willingly.  I love you and thank you for your love and mercy and grace.  In Jesus’s name, Amen.

(PS. Dear reader, I just got you to pray with me :D…)

4 thoughts on “My Foot of the Cross

  1. God is looking for imperfect men and women who have learned to walk in moment-by-moment dependence on the Holy Spirit. Christians who have come to terms with their inadequacies, fears, and failures. Believers who have become discontent with ‘surviving’ and have taken the time to investigate everything God has to offer in this life.– Charles Stanley

    Think of Deborah who lead a nation to victory. Think Ruth, through whom Dsvids lineage started. Think Priscillia from the book of acts, or the deaconess to whom Paul sents his regards.

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    1. I love love love love love the quote you shared with me! It makes me a little more confident in myself and my ability to live for and have a relationship with God. I think it has been a little nudge from the Lord. I very often feel like what I decided to do in regards to my church membership and affiliation might have been a mistake, though I know those doubts are NOT true. I was tired of surviving and only barely at that. I knew that God has something great in store for me and that limiting myself would not bring whatever it is suppose to be about. Instead of focusing on my imperfections I needed to be focusing on His perfection. The apostles are really inspiring to me right now because of how they overcame, though it was obviously not in their favor and likely to cause some doubts in. Xo

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      1. Yes, focusing on Him I the key. Remember when Peter was walking on water, while looking at Jesus he was confident, but the moment he looked at the storm around, he started, key word STARTED, to sink. When he looked back at Jesus he remembered who can bring Him back to surface.
        Also, think like this; Jesus slept in the boat, while the storm ravaged the boat. Why did He sleep? Because He had peace in Him. He knew nothing can touch Him. Jesus is now in you, you are His beloved and you are the Daughter of the Mighty King. Act like it, be like Jesus. He said, if you want to see the father, look at me (paraphrasing). Well, if people want to see Jesus, they have to look at you. In a weird statement, put the skin on the Holy Ghost who is in you!

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  2. Amen, the only focus we should have is the focus on Jesus. Like Peter when he walked in water, soon as he looked on the storm surrounding him he STARTED to sink; the moment he returned his gaze to Jesus, he remembered who can help him.
    Think also on Jesus when He slept in the boat; why did he sleep? Because He was FULL in peace. He knew who he was, he knew that nothing can touch Him. Today you are the temple of God, therefore He is in you. You have His peace in you.
    You are a crown jewel and precious to Him, nothing can touch you. You are a child of God, an ambassador to the world from the Kingdom of God. You were created to be royalty in the city of New Jerusalem. Therefore I agree with you, that we should always focus on Him, because on of the names of God, is The Lord is My Banner, Yahweh Nissi.

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