As I sit here listening to the sounds of the prairie, the birds sweetly singing, crickets beginning their evening sonnet, cattle lowing and bugling, Berlios (our sweet tomcat) purring and meowing, the thought finally comes to me that all are doing so to the glory of their Creator, the composer of their songs, sounds, and pleas. He delights in their music because He created them just the way He likes. In this moment, all of my worries and struggles just seem to fade away. Surrounded by this beauty, His beauty, makes me sorrowful that I ever have to leave it. Is this my foot of the cross?
The place where I can leave all of my pain and doubt and shortcomings with my dear Savior who sought to deliver me from sin? Is this my sanctuary? Alone, out here in nature, surrounded by God’s glorious creation, with my Savior on my mind and a pen in my hand. The clouds floating past over head, fluffy gray billows that sprinkle drops of evening dew as they float by, drifting where the wind wills them.
The rain has brought with it the awakening of the toads who croak so loudly at times that it is hard to think and one wishes for a volume knob to lull the blissful croaks to a softer tone. The hills and prairie are so green that when the sunlight reflects off the blades of grass and seas of leaves it looks like a rolling wave of Spring.
Yesterday was hard. Spring program last night and the girls did well. I nearly did not however. Today was playday and I had decided against going until my eldest reminded me of her bat and mitt. So we braved the roads and I braved the uncomfortable separation and we went for an hour and a half or so. Now again I am near tears because I do not want to say good-bye to my “home’ of the last eight (nearly nine) years.
The devil is at my mind telling me one minute how they are all looking at me disapprovingly behind my back, tisking their tongues at my deceived waywardness, and the next minute, fueling my “desire” to return to their “fold” with feelings of longing and missing; telling me I can go back and everything will be okay again–Just blend back in. They’ll be so happy, they’ll welcome you with open arms. And he’s right. They would. For a time. But my heart hasn’t changed and I don’t want to return to that false sense of security and sleep. Letting others dictate how I should follow God for me, letting myself believe that as long as I do thus and thus, I’ll be saved and in God’s good graces.
When I was expelled I thought (albeit unconsciously) that I would be heralded for my bravery and courage to follow God in the midst of wrong. That I was special. That I did it the “right way”–the way I was suppose to–not like the other one. BUT. I was PRIDEFUL. and I was WRONG. I thought the acceptance would remain among “God’s people” for me as I followed God’s direction for my life… After all, that’s what they do too, isn’t it??
Like Saul of Tarsus, the scales are falling from my eyes and my blindness is slipping away, leaving me blinking in the light that becomes brighter by the day, dazed and confused, and full of remorse and sadness for my past pride and idolatry. Many times in the last week it has become more and more apparent that I am to sever all of my ties with this idol of mine. Rip it out of my life until no part of it remains to tug at my heart and draw me back to the sleep, away from the Lord who has rescued me from it.
He speaks through random people who say things that do not make any sense for the context they were spoke in, through random alerts of bible verses on my phone that reaffirm His next step for me, through thoughts–repeated gentle prodding thoughts that keep coming. He spoke through the minister’s address at 8th grade graduation Friday night–this man who spoke of things that no Mennonite youth will ever do (or maybe, very unlikely is a better choice of words).
And I just need to listen. But it is so hard, giving up the things I love and worked so hard for. To stay will make me miserable for the rest of my life, for the foreseeable future at minimum, to leave will make me sad for a time, too. BUT. I KNOW the Lord has such good things in store for me, my girls, my husband. But I am holding us back. and for selfish reasons really.
I know women are not “Suppose” to be the spiritual leaders of the home, but for some reason I KNOW I am. It’s me leading my family to and from God and it is scary to think I am leading them away, into a life of complacency where I depend on someone else’s spiritual connection with God to lead me to Him. When I know in my heart of hearts that that is wrong. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me. I have the power to listen and hear Him speaking to me and yet I have let someone else do it for me for such a long time now that it is hard to discern exactly what He is saying and, not to mention, whether or not it is the devil masquerading around as an angel of light, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I was newborn and spiritually weak and I went to the first thing that looked promising, followed a “feeling”: It just felt like home, It just felt right… (As I write all this, in the back of my mind the questions poke me — Well wasn’t that direction from God? Wasn’t that where He sent you? What if you let because you were/are deceived? What is you are not saved? What if you are spiritually dead?? — If I were spiritually dead then you wouldn’t be tormenting me so badly Satan!! Thank you for proving to me the exact thing you want me to doubt and question!!).
The mist is moving in and dusk is surely at hand for the light is fading fast. I should go tend to my family. After all I’m only on page nine by now. Thank you LORD for the ability to write. Thank you for your loving guidance and forbearance with me during this time. I know you will continue to lead me into the light, Your light, showing me the way. Enable me to hear your gentle guidance and to listen and obey willingly. I love you and thank you for your love and mercy and grace. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
(PS. Dear reader, I just got you to pray with me :D…)