Addiction

I am so dimly excited that it is starting to hurt.

That’s mania setting in again.

I feel like I need to catch my breath, or exhale, but I am sitting here breathing normally.

That’s mania setting in again.

I want to study neuro-chemistry and the effects of mental illness on the brain.  In fact, I could look at brains for the rest of my life and be content.

THAT’S mania setting in again.

I think I could do it.  I know I could.  I am that smart.  It doesn’t matter that that is not God’s plan for my life.  I could do it if I wanted.

Damn mania.

I have spent every extra penny I can spare on… well this week and last it has been on classical music.  I am now the proud owner of at least 210 symphonies and other classical works.  Can I actually listen to 887 minutes worth of music all at once or even in one day?  Probably not, but that fact does not matter.

It’s going to make me smarter… that classical stuff.

Yesterday we had to go to a meeting about addictive behavior for insurance purposes at work and I found it FASCINATING.  It also reaffirmed what I already knew…that people like to do what feels good to them…and they chase that high.

Mania feels good to me most of the time.  More of the time than not it feels awesome to be excited and happy (even if it is false) and to want to do things, accomplish things.  Those feelings override the anxiety and rampant paranoia that overtakes me when the sun sets.  And I chase that high the very moment I wake up the next morning.

I just want to scream and jump up and down for joy.

Somewhere deep inside, I really want to normalize myself just a little.  Just enough to successfully hide my illness….Forever.

I still want to have those grandiose feelings of how smart I am and how beautiful I am. Of how I will do great things with my life and brain.  How I will master everything I try.  I still want to chase that high that Mania brings.  Maybe that is why I have not stabilized yet.  Maybe I am hindering myself because I am addicted to mania.

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