Hello Dear Friends, Followers, and Readers,
I am soo sorry for the erraticacy of my blogging habits as of late. It seems I am still struggling with mania. I am so done with this manic stuff. I have been up for nearly a year off and on…mostly on. It is not the fun, “I’m so beautiful, I can do anything, I am awesome, let’s get busy, I love you!” sort, but rather the, “I hate everyone. I hate my life. I hate my brain. Why won’t it shut off?, Let’s yell at everyone for everything, Let’s be unbearably loud without even realizing it until someone says ‘ssshhhhh….’, Let’s forget what I was suppose to be doing and go spend some money even though I don’t have it to spend” type.
It has made school almost unbearable. I do not understand the assignments very well because my brain cannot process what I am reading. I still have a 99% in my current class, but this last essay, a commentary on an issue/trend/policy of ADHD, really pushed me over the edge. I grit my teeth for two days unknowingly because of the pressure. My jaw hurt so badly. I cannot understand what people are saying when they speak to me. I hear them, but nothing connects. The words are all jumbled and it sounds like they are muttering or mumbling. I spent loads of money on pure crap and then felt guilty afterwards. I did take some of it back, though, but not enough to really help.
I thought I was doing well. I am sure I was calming down. Then came September. The first week in, I had surgery to remove a cyst. Two weeks of recouping from that and next came the Food Show. The Food Show is a convention (?) my husband and I attend every fall for his job. It is fun, but the effort it takes to prepare everyone (Children, Pets, House, Ourselves) and everything was overwhelming this time around. I spent an entire day working on schoolwork so I could have a three-day vacation while we were away, but it was not relaxing. Why aren’t vacations more relaxing?! Anyway, the whole week, before we went, while we were there, and after we got home, was nonstop. GO GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGO! And that tripped a switch in my brain, I guess.
Now it is October 17, a month later, and I am still feeling the effects. Granted, October has proven to be a continual motion as well, but not quite to the extent that September was. The beginning of October I saw the psych and he suggested a medication increase, which I agreed to, but have not managed to bend my self-will to give into and actually do yet. He also gave me a new anxiety medication to help with controlling panic attacks (which apparently are getting worse and I do not realize it until the bloody thing is upon me), but I have to be careful how much and when I take it as I do not want to become dependent on it.
To Be Continued…