Scribbles

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My mind will not quiet. I cannot hear what anyone says to me. My husband is mad because I haven’t listened to him all night. I sat down to write and this is what it looks like.

This is what it says:
“How to stop the raging monster,
How to quiet that which won’t shut up.
♫’I hope they cannot see’♫
♫’Living inside of me’♫
♫’The great destroyer’♫
My mind is the great destroyer.
Never shutting up.
Tears sting the back of my eyes;
Never to emerge.
Quiet down Quiet down
♫’Living inside of me’♫
Don’t plagiarize
Spell it all right
You suck you know.
You will miss something
No one is perfect.
ESPECIALLY NOT YOU

My life is shit.
I can’t hear what you say.
My mind will not process it.
Help me.
You won’t.
Silence means sickness.
Silence means my head is full.
The monster is raging within me.
It’s not a battle I can win.
Lost and Lonely
Within these thoughts
That keep flooding my mind
Intruding Intruding Intruding

I cannot handle this
EXPLODE ALREADY
Then there would be true silence.
Shhsssshhh. Shish. Shush.
Be quiet.

It’s still there.
♫’TURN IT UP’♫
♫’LISTEN TO THE SHIT THEY PUMP INTO YOUR HEAD FILLING YOU WITH EMPATHY’♫
♫’I HOPE THEY CANNOT SEE’♫
♫’LIVING INSIDE OF ME’♫
♫’THE LIMITLESS POTENTIAL’♫
♫’TO MURDER EVERYTHING’♫
♫’I AM THE GREAT DESTROYER’♫

♫’SAY YOUR NAME’♫
♫’SPEAK AS CLEARLY AS YOU CAN’♫
♫’EVERYTHING GETS WRITTEN DOWN’♫

And the loop keeps playing.
Fuck I Hate Mania like this!!!!!

The song marked by♫ is ‘”The Great Destroyer” by Nine Inch Nails.

Well, pieces of it anyway.
You know the manic mind can’t finish one sentence before beginning the next. The same is true with music looping in my head. It’s still there even as I type this, playing in the back somewhere, slightly muted, but still playing.
My ears hurt.
My mouth tastes nasty.
Maybe the cigar wasn’t such a good idea. I’ll have to brush and rebrush my teeth again.
Jaw is clenching.
Chewing on my cheek and lip.
Suppose I’ll try to sleep.
Probably won’t, but I’ll get an A for effort right?!
F$&k this manic crap.

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