Now that I have decided to go to school I have to consult my Husband and members of my Church. Which is okay, but I feel like I have to ask permission from everyone to do this. I guess I am grumping around and I shouldn’t be because I know that everyone loves me and only wants what is best for me, but that old Kelsi inside me is still rearing up and flaming snot from her nostrils at the thought of someone telling me no.
The only reason I would be told not to is if there is a great concern that this might take me down a road that I do not want to go down or that I might become deceived from the truth of God’s Word and work in my life (which of course I do NOT want), but right now my flesh is just seething. I am anxious and nervous and keep going over what I should say to “prove” my case even though it never goes the way I plan it to. I never say what I think I am going to say or plan to say.
As for my Hunby, I have his support to go to school. He says I either go to school or work at the store the rest of my life…Which I guess wouldn’t be horrible and I like to help out there, but for that to be my job? Full time? I don’t think that is what I really want. Sitting at home isn’t what I want to do either. I love being a homemaker, but when my children are grown and gone? I don’t want to sit at home alone all day with nothing but cleaning, cooking, and laundry to do.
I feeelll like everything I do is soooo scandalous. People are always talking about me and what I’m doing or will do next. Maybe it is only a certain select few that are actually doing this, but I still hear about it. It’s so hard to be myself when I get the impression that everything I do is wrong. I see the devil in my thoughts here and there as I write and I should just shoo him out, but he has some logic in there somewhere that I think I see. I just thought of a quote from a sermon we had not too long ago that impressed me:
“Deception is a great deal of truth with a few little lies.”
I am deceived. Why does that stinky ole man think he can win me over?! I’ll never renounce my claim on Jesus’s blood! All of this will die away. People move, die, change. I need not worry whether I can “prove” my case. If it is God’s will for me then they will see what I see. Everyone will see, eventually.