As I scrolled through my facebook feed tonight I came across some adorable pictures of my new little nephew….
(PS…I have a Nephew! First boy in our family in like 18 years, literally…Born a week ago Monday)….
Posted by my sister (the next eldest after me), who has already informed me that She is going to be the best aunt ever (basically saying that he likes her better…. He is a newborn; I think he likes to eat, sleep, poop, and pee on his parents, but what does my opinion matter…). Anyway, it has me thinking, realizing, that no matter how I try to fit in with my family, I don’t.
I am the only child from my parents; raised by my grandparents as an only child, but I have three half sisters and one half brother from my parents. All of my sisters now have children, but I never see any of them.
I never saw my mom growing up…mostly because she didn’t have time to come and see me… so I don’t really have a relationship with that sister or her daughter…I do get to see my mother loving on her other daughter and grandchild via facebook a lot though, lucky me.
My dad remarried and had my other two sisters and only brother with wife number two and didn’t take me on so although I do have some relationship with these siblings, they are much closer to one another, having been raised together and all.
Both of my grandparents are dead now and via the “love” of my aunt I am not allowed to speak of them as if they were actually my parents (she is their one and only daughter…).
On top of all this, no one in my family (save my Husband) approves of my choice of denomination of church and I am alienated even more. I talk to my dad nearly every day, but I am not a part of his family…. It’s more like I’m extended family. My sisters (from my father) and I talk once or twice every week or two, but I have a sense of responsibility and act like a grown woman so I’m not “cool” enough to be in on the happenings of their daily life (God forbid they might have to be held responsible for their own actions… and even though I might not be the one to uphold that, I’m sure they think I am and so act accordingly)…
And it just makes me feel alone.
And like screaming.
And like crying.
I guess when I think about it I have always been an outsider; different from all of my friends growing up (“Why are you always so slow, Kelsi? Why do you dress like that/ act like that/ look like that?”), different from everyone…and I have tried to embrace it, my differentness, but since my nana and papa died (taking their unconditional love with them) it has become harder and harder to be indifferent to how different I am.
I hate feeling alienated, and yet, in order to escape said alienation, I move out to the middle of nowhere, and isolate myself even more from everything that makes me feel alienated thus making me feel even more alienated…
Damn the cycle.