Food

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I. HATE. FOOD.

I hate the way I get hungry and then I overeat.
I hate the feeling of fullness.
I hate the way my mouth feels after I eat.

Liquids make me feel the same way.

It has become increasingly hard to cook for my family.
Even my hubby has noticed.
He says its obvious to him because I put it off later and later.
Then there is the fact that I don’t know what to cook because nothing sounds good to me.
As I was cooking tonight I caught myself thinking how disgusting it all looked even though it is something that I used to like.

At lunch yesterday I overate again and caught myself thinking how much better I would feel if I threw up.
NEVER have I had those thoughts before.
Not eating is one thing, but eating and puking is a whole other level I never considered as an option because I am such a emetophobic (Puke-a-phobe).

NOT that it should be an option, because rationally speaking it shouldn’t.
But then again, when have I ever been truly rational?

Now supper is done and cooling and I’ll have to go eat because I can’t take meds on an empty stomach, but I won’t like it, which is a terrible thing.

3 thoughts on “Food

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Back in college, I was anorexic and bulimic, and I distinctly remember feeling this way. I had to get a lot of counseling, and one of the most helpful people was a nutritionist who taught me how to eat a balanced (protein-carb-veggie-etc) diet rather than the only-carb diet I’d binged on before.

    Have you read Rachel Marie Stone’s blog? She’s a Christian and a former eating disordered person who writes a lot about our “relationship” with food and how we can eat without guilt. I haven’t read her book (Eat with Joy) but I’ve heard it’s really helpful. You might want to check out her work. Be encouraged, my friend. I’m rooting for you to get through this!

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    1. Thank you for such encouraging thoughts! I have struggled with this off and on throughout the years and for some reason my thought patterns have just become more and more apparent to me over the last few months. I don’t think I really even noticed it before.
      I have not read Rachel Stone’s blog but I will give it a look see :). At therapy we talk about this side of my illness occasionally but I think it stems from a larger problem, ie. my borderline traits. I just saw a new psychiatrist yesterday and she pointed out the fact that maybe I am not being treated for the right thing; maybe bipolar is only half the problem. So I am hopeful that it is going to get better sooner than later :) xo

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  2. As they say, some obsessively live to eat while others must simply eat to live (in spite of themselves). I pray you experience God’s abundant and nourishing grace as you struggle.

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