So amidst all my agitated depression and oral surgery and anxiety and what have you I still am slowly managing to get into some sort of Christmas spirit. I put little lights in my outdoor bushes, I have got out most of my little Christmas knick-knacks and snowmen and placed them around the house, and I even managed to get the tree up and decorated (with some help from my girls).
I am reading “A Christmas Carol” to the girls for bedtime each night til I am nearly hoarse and I did manage to get 4 dresses, petticoats, pinafores, and pantaloons cut out yesterday for the dolls I am making for gifts. Today I am going to attempt to sew all of that. Other stuff I probably should be doing is being compromised because of this, though. I am not getting dressed like I should, there are two of three baskets of clean laundry that need to be folded and put away, and cooking lunch or dinner is almost nonexistent.
Being around people is extremely hard for me right now. I feel anxious when I am at church, when I am picking up the girls from school (which is kind of stupid because I don’t even get out of the car, I just drive through and they come and get in), at doctrine class, on the phone, when someone texts….
One of my friends asked me if I was offended at her the other day. I said, “No, why would I be?” And her reply was because I haven’t been calling her or talking to her when I see her. I tried to explain to her about all of this and it isn’t just her, but everyone I am avoiding, and she said “Well, we don’t have to talk about how you’re feeling, we can just talk about daily life and stuff.” The thing is, how I am feeling effects my daily life so much that even in not talking about it we would talk about it. I don’t want to deal with the stigma attached right now. I don’t want to hear, “Well if you would pray it would go away” or “You need to this or that and it would help”. I don’t care what will take it away. I don’t care what others think. I don’t care period.
I am still accomplishing some because I know I have to. No one else will do it for me. I know if I don’t do it then it won’t get done and people won’t get gifts from me (which honestly, I could give two shits about, but I don’t want to hear it from everyone else if I don’t give gifts)… Buy something? I wish I could, but right now I’m broke. Vet, teeth, and a car bumper will do that to one’s purse. Oh well, it is going to be okay. Things will get better. I just have to be patient and trust. And I am trying to. Sometimes holding on for dear life is all I have got and I am getting good at it.