The Downhill Slide: Depression Here I Come

So I am definitely on a downhill slide by now.  I noticed it about two weeks ago.  I woke up and was trying to prepare for church and my children were talking to me as they usually do, but I couldn’t understand them.  I could hear them, but it was all mumbled and jumbled.  And it was irritating.  To the max.  I kept telling them to stop talking to me.  It wasn’t very nice either.

“Why are you talking?!  Stop talking to me.  You are still talking.  Didn’t you hear what I said?!  Go somewhere else.  Ask someone else.  I don’t know.  I don’t even know what you are saying.  Just stop.  Figure it out.  Stop talking to me!!”  I feel bad.  But I didn’t feel bad then.  I felt mad and annoyed and out of sorts and I didn’t want to go to church, but we did.

The sermon was on pride.  I’m prideful if I think I’m doing well.  I’m prideful if I think I’m worse than everyone else.  I can’t win.  Now I’m sure there was a good point in there somewhere, but my mind couldn’t find one.  All I heard was what I was doing wrong.  Yay.  So helpful.

Since then I have felt weepy at almost every little thing.  I have continued to be irritated/agitated very easily.  I cannot make any decisions easily.  My concentration is either nonexistent or I “tweak out” on whatever I am doing.  I cannot cook anything without burning it.  I literally hurt; my fibromyalgia has come back with a vengeance.  I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, speak to anyone.

I can’t talk on the phone or even by text to anyone other than my hubby because I can’t find the words.  So I don’t return phone calls, don’t reply to texts, and if I do answer the phone I am just silent.  “Uh-huh” and “uh-uh” is all I can get out.  I just want to lay on the bed and stare blankly at the wall.  My mind is repeating repeating itself and my ears are ringing constantly.

My anxiety is through the effing roof.  I have noticed I am unconsciously wringing my hands or rocking back and forth or shaking a leg or foot, a lot.  About a week ago I woke up in the middle of the night hyperventilating from a nightmare about my children getting sick and becoming incontinent and I couldn’t do a thing for them or clean it up….imagine that…..

Last Friday I had a busy day and a supper at church and I thought I was doing okay so I refrained from taking any meds, but as I stood with my daughter at the desert counter trying to get a piece of pie out of the tin I suddenly felt very woosy, my ears started to ring, I began to see spots, and have this “greying over” feeling from the back of my head forward.  I steadied myself and did not pass out, but I thought I might.

I am not sleeping well at all.  I have been taking mega amounts of meds and mixing meds to get myself to sleep.  I have tried yoga, it didn’t help.  I have an app on my phone that generates soothing sounds and if I listen to it, it does help a little.  I think that’s because it drowns out all the little bumps and gumps that I am unconsciously straining to hear because what if someone is sick in the middle of the night or at anytime….  I am having dream after dream after dream and most of them involve someone being sick or me not being able to do what I am supposed to.  I wake up at least twice a night for no reason.  And by 3 or 4pm the following day I am exhausted again.

Oh, and as anxious as my manic side gets at dusk, it is almost worse with my depressive side.  The difference is with mania it comes on suddenly with a vengeance and with depression it comes quietly, like a thief in the night; I don’t even notice it til it is too late.  All that being said I have a ton of Christmas projects to prepare for and make and I have oral surgery next Wednesday and I don’t have time for any of this!

I have been trying to keep a normal schedule. I get up and get dressed in twice the time it usually takes me and that’s as normal as it gets lol.  I have begun to work on some of my Christmas stuff which is okay except that I work on it for hours instead of managing my time better. I’m not really enthused about it either. Usually making dolls, candy, and cross stitch/embroidery is something I enjoy.

As long as I stay home I feel almost normal, and my anxiety isn’t quite as bad, but then there is that whole not getting out of my comfort zone thing and supposedly that isn’t beneficial to my health either…..but it’s better than the constant “deer in headlights” look I have when I am in public, right?

SO if my posts are few and far between for a month or so it is because I don’t feel like writing or I can’t find the words.  Today just happened to be an exception.  I had it all typed out and then I thought I forgot to save it and my anxiety went through my stomach so now that I have it done I am going to stop before I lose it all again…


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