I’ve impressed lately with the thought that my mind is really just the devil’s playground. I have let it slowly become such by giving up repeatedly. Giving my mind up to him. Giving up control over my thoughts, “Well they just come. I can’t help that.” I am now helpless in my own mind. I feel (and have felt for a long while) that I have no control over it at all. How Stupid is That?!
I’m sure it started long before I had been diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. As I think about it now it probably started when I was a small child, taught unconsciously to pity myself because of my circumstances, to make allowances because I wasn’t allowed a normal upbringing, because neither of my parents wanted me or could take care of me. But as I don’t want to try to figure that all out let’s just leave it here.
I have made a decision. (One that was so simple it amazes me that I haven’t done it sooner. I guess it took a long time to realize it was such a simple answer; a long time to sort out the truth amongst the tons of lies set before me by the devil.) Here it is:
I have Bipolar I Disorder. Yes. Physically that is true. BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO BE CONTROLLED BY IT!!
I’m done letting the devil use it against me.
I’m done lolligagging along haphazardly from this thought to that thought being led who knows where by who knows what.
I want to be happy. Simple. Free. NO longer a slave to my fleshly mind. I have cultivated that one long enough. Now it is time to feed my spiritual mind. To let it bloom and grow.
Being a born again Christian means I have two minds about me. One being the old flesh-loving, selfish, worldly mind that is sick and dying — going to cause me to die right along with it. The other being a new, free, Christ-like mind, guided and directed by God himself through the Holy Spirit. A young, joyful, peaceful, victorious mind that will not die nor try to kill me. The devil has managed to hide this fact from me for too long — he may still be doing this to you.
I thought since I have only one brain I can only have one mind. And unfortunately for me the mind I got stuck with is ill with bipolar and destined to be (and make me) miserable until the end; never finding the true peace and joy I felt when I was born again. SO I unknowingly cultivated it and repressed the other; fed and strengthened the sick one while weakening the healthy one. I knew it wasn’t fair being controlled like I was by my illness, but I thought I just had to deal. WRONG!!!
Now I am free to choose and though the old dying mind is still trying to sneak back in when I am not looking, the moment I notice I shout, “GET AWAY! YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME TODAY!” I must be vigilant. I must keep reminding myself of these facts. I must keep my thoughts on God and those of His will….for where the mind is so also will the heart be.