Drowning In The Ocean

A letter from a concerned friend arrived in the mail for me the other day. I read it and re-read it and re-read it again before I knew what to think. I thought the polite thing to do would be to write her back so I got out my prized pen and notebook and started to write. The only problem was that I didn’t know what to say, or rather, didn’t know what she wanted me to say. The following is what I finally put on paper.


“I am glad you wrote to me. I am glad somebody still cares. I have read your letter 3 times now and I stil l don’t know what to say. I don’t know what the answer is. I will just share my heart, though I’m not sure I’m ready for the consquences of said action.

First, I want reiterate the fact that I DO recognize some of the devil’s pushing his way in here. What I’m not sure of is how to kick his a$$ back out…

I FEEL ALONE. No one calls, well besides Joni. No one wants to get together. No one talks to me at church (besides the small talk that I usually initiate). No one has the, excuse my analogy, balls to ask me how I’m doing spiritually and listen and care and NOT just try to fix me right away.

I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING. Like I’m in the middle of the ocean, by myself, trying to tread water in the midst of a storm. And I’m tired. I’m ready to drown. I WANT TO DROWN. Be done with it.

But, I don’t stop because there is this tiny something deep inside me that whispers, “Hold on just a little longer. He’s coming. He’s going to help. Just have patience.”

So I keep on. Water logged. Exhausted. Alone. With little hope.

I’m still here. Some days I don’t want to be. I want to quit. To say “Just expel me”. So I don’t have to deal with this anymore. But I don’t because I know that if this is hard then being expelled and trying to find my way back woud be excruciating. I know that no matter how much the devil hacks away at me now it will be NOTHING compared to what he would do to me in the world.

I know the Church wants what is best for me. I know the course I should veer towards. That doesn’t make it any easier.

You asked me if I have the faith that God will make me beautiful by shining through me if I simply give up the concerns of my outward appearance to Him. The question I am going to answer is this, “Do I believe in the faith I have in God?”

No. I do not believe in my faith. I do not believe my faith was good enough, is good enough, will ever be good enough. I believe in God, in Jesus, who died for me, FOR ME!. I believe He has faith in me, but I don’t believe in my faith.

I have no self esteem at all deep inside. It might seem like I do outside, but I don’t.

I don’t believe I’m good enough.
I don’t believe that I am or ever will be beautiful inside or out.
I don’t believe I can be a good wife, mother, christian.

I know, I know, If God has faith enough in me to assign me these tasks then why don’t I believe I can do it? I DON’T KNOW. Do I think I know better than God? No.

Now I suppose I am pitying myself and having a “right” attitude.

Believe me when I say I ask myself over and over, “Why do I keep remembering what God has forgotten?” Why can’t I forgive in myself that which God has forgiven in me?.

Next Subject.

Am I willfully disobedient? Probably. Yes.

I feel like I have tried and tried (I suppose the next word will show my depravity) to conform to the church and moreover, to the culture. I feel / have felt for a very long time, pressure to conform to the culture more than the beliefs and doctrines of the Church. SO much so that I gave up trying to differentiate between the two.”

That’s as far as it got. I would like to hear from some of you who have struggled with these things. What were your thoughts? What helped you through it? To overcome it? Or have you yet to overcome it?

Sometimes it’s just nice to know that we are not all alone in our struggles.

Until next time,


5 thoughts on “Drowning In The Ocean

  1. Even then, Self, you were unable to conform to those standards. Even then, you were criticized for your inability to “blend in unity”. Does it say anywhere in the Bible that we must blend in unity in our outward appearance? If that is the case then why did God create us all as individuals? WE SHOULD BLEND IN UNITY OF SPIRIT BECAUSE IF WE HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT, GOD’S SPIRIT, GOD’S PRESENCE IN OUR LIVES THAT WILL STAND OUT TO OTHER BELIEVERS. OUR HEARTS ARE CHANGED. OUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS SIN IS CHANGED. I LOOK THE SAME ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT MY SPIRIT IS REBORN. NEW. RENEWED. THE OLD SPIRIT IS CRUCIFIED. Remember this when you are in a struggle.

  2. None of us are good enough (Ps 53) and none of us have faith enough. That is why God sent us a Redeemer, Jesus Christ. There is nothing in us inherently that will every live up. Only Christ was good enough. It is only through His work that we can have these things, but they are not our’s…it is His Work alone. Focus on Christ Alone to do that work for you.

  3. (((hugs))). All I can say is trying to conform to culture and doctrine is not what God is asking of you. Your relationship to God is a direct personal one. Only worry about being available to Him personally not being what you feel the pressure to be.

    1. Oh, Carla if only it were that simple. I honestly believe that this is actually what God is asking of me. I know He has lead me to the place I am because that is what is best for me. It’s just not so easy. I am still learning.
      Eventually everything will fall into place concerning the culture and doctrine for me, but until I get there the devil will continue to pummel me as he has been since I made this choice. I will not give up and there is a way for me, I just have to hold onto that bouy, Christ, until I get there :).

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