Ideation At Its, Uh, Finest



It is important to us all. Without it where would we be? Feeling safe is vital to our well-being, to our happiness, to our overall health in general. So imagine my discontent when I no longer feel safe around myself.

Last time I wanted to cut my husband took the scissors I usually use away, so I came up with something else; a box knife razor blade. It wasn’t sharp enough so I found something better, the razor blade from my haircutting razor. It is so sharp that almost no pressure need be applied to achieve the desired effect.

Since then I have had these reoccurring thoughts of self-mutilation. These are more than the basic self harm and cutting behaviors I have repeatedly expressed in times past and not so past. What began as worries about what if I applied too much pressure have now warped into almost a desire to see how far I can go without killing myself.

In my mind I can see myself so angry that I don’t care how hard I cut. Then, myself in the bathroom on the floor propped up by the claw-foot tub in a bath of blood from my arms calling out weakly for help hoping in my mind that my husband hears me before I lose consciousness.

It’s the same visual every time. I haven’t been mad enough to try it, but I know I’m like a ticking time bomb. Eventually something will set me off again.

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