Anxiety

I. AM. ANXIOUS.

I have been gradually dosing down my meds the last month or so because…. Well, honestly at first it was because I was hypomaniac and felt wonderful and wanted to see how low I could go before mania set in; then it turned into how long can I stay at a lesser dose because I finally feel alive and rather like myself again; finally, now, it is because I am running out and until today the doc had forgot to send me more.
I think I have done rather well considering my dosage change (which went something like this: –in mg– 250-200-150-175-125-100),  but I have some major anxiety.  I have said over and over that I can deal with the anxiety, I can deal with the anxiety! I’m fine!

But I must admit that I AM NOT.

I thought that the benefits (creativity in writing and art again, the drive to clean and reorganize the house, the motivation to sew, cook, be moving again, to name a few) outweighed the side effects (major anxiety, sleep coming only after having laid in bed for 2 or more hours, irritability, surprising lack of motivation to get dressed for the day), but I was wrrrroooonnnggggggg!!!
I found myself tonight stressing over whether or not one of my daughters is getting sick because of her unusual willingness to go to bed early and as I sit here and type my stomach is clenching and reclenching itself.  My ears literally hurt from straining to hear any odd sound from the upstairs.

And I am tired of it.

Tired of my brain not shutting off at night.
Tired of the relentless repetition of thoughts that swing around and around, from one side of my skull to the other and back again.
Tired of the physical pain in my stomach, ears, and eyes.
Tired of the pain in my jaw from being clenched allll the time.

I just want to feel normal without feeling dumbed down.

I keep wishing for the past where all I needed was paper and pen and pot; for the time when my mind could shut off when I told it to; for the time before the unending anxiety.

Isn’t there a happy middle ground somewhere? And if you know where that is then will you pllleeaaasseee let me know so I can go swing in the warm sun and feel the cool breeze on my face once more….

2 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. There is always something to be grateful for and when we focus on the good, the bad fades away if we’ll allow it. No one does anything without a pay-off so don’t dwell on the negative but on what godly gifts you’ve been given. What a wonderful, strong person you are becoming! You were meant to help others through this. Blessings,

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    1. Thank you so much for that Ellie! You have no idea how much your comment has made me smile. And I know what you say is truth. I can always rely on Jesus and when the dark night comes with all this anxiety (which it does nearly every night starting at sundown) I find myself praying harder than usual and trying very hard to listen and lean. And it is my hope that The Lord will use all of this to His glory. :)

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