October 12, 2012
Halloween seems to be welling up inside of me this year, but when I watch things – ie. Commercials, cartoons, &c. that I liked to watch when I was little – it excites me though I can see the devil in it.
It’s like a couple of friends of mine; they want the blissful ignorance of “there is no god”, but knowing what I do now I could never go back to that and I wonder how they think they can. Push it away; ignore it; whatever, but I will always know that there is a God, what he says goes, and he knows everything I do, say, think; all of it.
I can’t live by the law of the church. I have tried and tried only to fail repeatedly. There is a balance somewhere for me and I will find it. It will not be like others who lived similar situations before me, but it will fit for what God intends to use me for.
I don’t always understand or like it, but deep down I know God has a way. God uses even the least of us and I am one of the least. I believe I have grown as a person and as a Christian. Someday God will bring me about-face and the struggles I have now will float away in the wind.
I think a lot about the end of my life; the end of the world. In that sense, nothing matters, except to be heaven bound. But we live in the here and now. If God didn’t want me to think/live/whatever in the here and now, at least a little, then why put me here?
It is our actions in the here and now that determines our future. It all intertwines somehow. I may never figure that all out – I know I won’t. I don’t need to.
I am trying my best here and now. Unfortunately, that just isn’t good enough; never will be. But that is where Jesus comes in. He, only he, has made it possible for me to be good enough.